I don't know what you would call it, mid-life crisis, pre-empty nest syndrome or just plain ol' crazy. Whatever you call it, I am not in the best of spirits lately and feeling pretty down on myself.
It really hit a high yesterday when I heard through the grapevine that my oldest daughter was not coming to me about things that are bothering her. We used to be extremely close. She would talk to me about everything. Not so much now. I see her down in the dumps and try to talk to her and she just tells me she is tired. Uhm, excuse me, I am your mother. I know the difference between when you're tired and when you're depressed, but okay you will talk to me when you are up to it. Or so I thought.
Last week she was late getting out the door to go to work and I had to stop what I was doing to give her a ride. Yes I was irritated and I explained to her that she needs to watch the clock better. She said she did not realize how late it was and merely stated, "Hence watching the clock better." Apparently I upset her more that I realized. From what I was told it is partly to do with the fact that, well, I was upset with her in general. The main reason though, is that she is starting to feel the demands of adulthood and the responsibility that goes with it. She did not come and talk to me about these concerns, she talked to someone else. I cried when I learned this.
I realize that what is going on is the natural course of our lives as parents. Our children grow up, and need us less and less as they get older. The part I am struggling with is this. My self defining role has always been, "above all else, I am a mother." While I still have my son at home, who is sixteen I realize he really does not come to me much either. I am now seeing myself at a crossroad that I don't think I was emotionally or spiritually ready to come to yet.
I am pretty certain that my subconscious knew what was coming and has been trying to prepare me. I have been a stay at home mother for about sixteen years. This past year I have been feeling the pull to get back into the work-force. This has been another thorn in my side. I am not having the easiest time finding a job. Not many people want to even consider someone who has not worked in almost twenty years. I have been called for several interviews but they have not panned out. I personally feel it is my appearance. I Have visible tattoos that I can not cover and I am missing quite a few teeth due to a severe mineral deficiency during my pregnancies. In essence I look like a 50 year old ex-biker meth head. Of course that is the furthest thing from the truth, but first impressions and all ya know.
While at this cross-road in my life, where I am changing from being a full time mother to being something else. I came to the conclusion that now it is my husbands time to get my full attention. I am pretty much failing in this department. He gets up and goes to work everyday. He works hard and brings home a paycheck to keep a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the internet which allows me to be able to write and post this today. I can't even remember to do something as simple as take his work shirts out of the dryer so they won't be wrinkled and set up the coffee pot so he has coffee in the morning.
This morning I guess I heard him moving about and realized that I had forgotten to take his shirts out of the dryer and hang them up. It was that point that I asked myself, "Oh shit, did I remember to set the coffee pot up for him?" I came flying out of bed and into the kitchen to witness him heading out the door empty handed (no coffee mug ). I apologized and went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and commenced crying my out out, yet again.
Naturally my husband was concerned and was late getting out the door. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I explained that I was fine. He asked if there was something he should or could be doing and I assured him that what I was going through had absolutely nothing to do with him. He is perfect. I explained to him what I just shared with you all. He seems to think that maybe he.we should be doing something different. I explained again that I am otherwise happy. I love my life, I love him. I just don't know how to deal with this cross-road.
Mid-life crisis? Pre empty nest syndrome? Plain ol' crazy? Perhaps just a little bit of each. All I want to know is why does my cross-road not have a friggin sign?!
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