Bathtubs Provoke Deep Though.

    I type this as I sit here with dripping wet hair and a partially clothed body. I just got out of the bath and I have no clean clothes to put on. My husband barely has his work clothes. I was rank smelling. I have needed to take a bath for awhile. I have no desire; scratch that... I have no energy to go dig the hair dryer out from under the bathroom cabinet and stand there for 15 minutes while I dry my hair. I do have the desire and therein lies the problem. I want / desire to do many things.  I want to wake up, shower and do  my make-up and feel pretty. I want to go out and get my grocery shopping done. I want to clean this house to the standards not only I enjoy but also that my husband and family enjoys. I want to take the kids to get the things done that they want to do. I just do not have the energy.  I have been under the impression that I am getting sick, catching some kind of bug.

    As I was sitting in the bath thinking on things and what I want to get done and I started crying because I just don't have the energy. I came to the realization that I am not sick. The shocking reality is that I am overwhelmingly depressed. All the signs are there. I was taught many years ago to recognize the signs of my own depression, but things have been so good for us; how could I be depressed?

  So I sat in that hot bath as it became increasingly colder and thought about things. I came to several conclusions that I will lay out for you my readers, most of which are family and friends.
I was so ecstatically happy when I learned we were going to be moving to San Marcos. "I Love San Marcos, I have friends there and close to there. I will feel like the old me again." Yeah right.

    I fucking hate San Marcos. It is not the nice small town I remember. It is an overpopulated tiny piece of land and I fear for my life every time I leave this complex in a vehicle. I fear for my children's life every time they decide to walk to the store for a soda or chips. This town is simply to small to accommodate the overwhelming human population growth it has seen in the past ten years. Sure the town had grown physically some, but not near enough to handle the population. Don't even get me started on the way these absent minded, texting, reading, sleeping college kids drive.

    I have tried going to the grocery store at various times of the day, minus the middle of the night and the ass crack of dawn. It is always busy, people are always rude and completely unaware that there are other people besides them in the store or out on the streets.  Twits, the lot of them.

Yep San Marcos, oh how I hate you.

    I was also excited because of friends. OMG I have friends here and I will get to see them and go do things and not sit at home all day. Again... yeah right. My "friends" apparently could not give a rat's ass that I am back.  No calls and no visits. Before you ask, yes I did contact them and say, "Hey I am back, we should get together sometime when you are free." Apparently they are never free.

    Jess and Bethany, I have been a horrible friend. You guys have been great, tried and true. I sit here on my ass and get sad over the "friends" I never see and all the while two of the greatest friends I ever had sit over there neglected by me. You have my permission to slap the crap out of me the next time you see me.

Yep San Marcos, oh how I hate you.

    I really do want to go back to work. I am sure my husband says, "Uh huh sure you do." Honestly this is a twofold problem. I am scared that I wont be able to cut it. With all the issues I have with my back and hip (and now my shoulder, wtf is up with that anyway) I am concerned that I will be a failure as an employee. Secondly, the my past interviews (and one almost interview - ugh that bitch!!) have really hurt my self esteem. I do not think I am ugly, but with my teeth, I do not feel that employers want to put me customer facing. Let's face it, my smile is a bit off-putting to many people. First impressions are always things like unsanitary, unclean, drug user, etc. I will agree with all of you who say, I have a great smile. I think I do to, I just do not have great teeth. I love to smile. I love to laugh.. just not in front of people I do not know.  So there it is. I am scared to fail and my fear of failing is failure in and of itself.

    I won't even get into the menopause. I have already talked about that.
So there you have it in a big ol' tub of whoa is me self pity pot. I am depressed. I need to get out of this funk. I do not want to take pills for it. I want to overcome it.

    I want to use this last line to thank everyone who sticks with me through this. I know I am not a lot of fun to be around a lot of the time right now. I hope soon I will be back to my usual self.. or new and improved self.

    Chris, I  love you with every fiber of my being, even though I am sure I have not shown it much lately. Please know that you mean the world to me.

    Sarah, Zaine, Dib, and Dalton, I know I am cranky a lot and am not helping you with some things I said I would help you with. I PROMISE to do better. You know I do not make promises lightly.

    Jess and Bethany. I love you guys. You are the best friends anyone could ask for. Y'all have been great. I have been a reclusive twit. I am sorry.  We will hang out soon okay?