Bathtubs Provoke Deep Though.

    I type this as I sit here with dripping wet hair and a partially clothed body. I just got out of the bath and I have no clean clothes to put on. My husband barely has his work clothes. I was rank smelling. I have needed to take a bath for awhile. I have no desire; scratch that... I have no energy to go dig the hair dryer out from under the bathroom cabinet and stand there for 15 minutes while I dry my hair. I do have the desire and therein lies the problem. I want / desire to do many things.  I want to wake up, shower and do  my make-up and feel pretty. I want to go out and get my grocery shopping done. I want to clean this house to the standards not only I enjoy but also that my husband and family enjoys. I want to take the kids to get the things done that they want to do. I just do not have the energy.  I have been under the impression that I am getting sick, catching some kind of bug.

    As I was sitting in the bath thinking on things and what I want to get done and I started crying because I just don't have the energy. I came to the realization that I am not sick. The shocking reality is that I am overwhelmingly depressed. All the signs are there. I was taught many years ago to recognize the signs of my own depression, but things have been so good for us; how could I be depressed?

  So I sat in that hot bath as it became increasingly colder and thought about things. I came to several conclusions that I will lay out for you my readers, most of which are family and friends.
I was so ecstatically happy when I learned we were going to be moving to San Marcos. "I Love San Marcos, I have friends there and close to there. I will feel like the old me again." Yeah right.

    I fucking hate San Marcos. It is not the nice small town I remember. It is an overpopulated tiny piece of land and I fear for my life every time I leave this complex in a vehicle. I fear for my children's life every time they decide to walk to the store for a soda or chips. This town is simply to small to accommodate the overwhelming human population growth it has seen in the past ten years. Sure the town had grown physically some, but not near enough to handle the population. Don't even get me started on the way these absent minded, texting, reading, sleeping college kids drive.

    I have tried going to the grocery store at various times of the day, minus the middle of the night and the ass crack of dawn. It is always busy, people are always rude and completely unaware that there are other people besides them in the store or out on the streets.  Twits, the lot of them.

Yep San Marcos, oh how I hate you.

    I was also excited because of friends. OMG I have friends here and I will get to see them and go do things and not sit at home all day. Again... yeah right. My "friends" apparently could not give a rat's ass that I am back.  No calls and no visits. Before you ask, yes I did contact them and say, "Hey I am back, we should get together sometime when you are free." Apparently they are never free.

    Jess and Bethany, I have been a horrible friend. You guys have been great, tried and true. I sit here on my ass and get sad over the "friends" I never see and all the while two of the greatest friends I ever had sit over there neglected by me. You have my permission to slap the crap out of me the next time you see me.

Yep San Marcos, oh how I hate you.

    I really do want to go back to work. I am sure my husband says, "Uh huh sure you do." Honestly this is a twofold problem. I am scared that I wont be able to cut it. With all the issues I have with my back and hip (and now my shoulder, wtf is up with that anyway) I am concerned that I will be a failure as an employee. Secondly, the my past interviews (and one almost interview - ugh that bitch!!) have really hurt my self esteem. I do not think I am ugly, but with my teeth, I do not feel that employers want to put me customer facing. Let's face it, my smile is a bit off-putting to many people. First impressions are always things like unsanitary, unclean, drug user, etc. I will agree with all of you who say, I have a great smile. I think I do to, I just do not have great teeth. I love to smile. I love to laugh.. just not in front of people I do not know.  So there it is. I am scared to fail and my fear of failing is failure in and of itself.

    I won't even get into the menopause. I have already talked about that.
So there you have it in a big ol' tub of whoa is me self pity pot. I am depressed. I need to get out of this funk. I do not want to take pills for it. I want to overcome it.

    I want to use this last line to thank everyone who sticks with me through this. I know I am not a lot of fun to be around a lot of the time right now. I hope soon I will be back to my usual self.. or new and improved self.

    Chris, I  love you with every fiber of my being, even though I am sure I have not shown it much lately. Please know that you mean the world to me.

    Sarah, Zaine, Dib, and Dalton, I know I am cranky a lot and am not helping you with some things I said I would help you with. I PROMISE to do better. You know I do not make promises lightly.

    Jess and Bethany. I love you guys. You are the best friends anyone could ask for. Y'all have been great. I have been a reclusive twit. I am sorry.  We will hang out soon okay?

The Formidable Years

     If you are like I used to be, when hearing that phrase, you think of either the terrible twos or those years when our children are coming into their own, molding their own personalities, morals and sense of self. Well guess what! I am not talking about children, quite the opposite. I am talking about us, the grown ups!!!

    The time in our life when our children are making plans of moving out and moving on. The years we are left facing that we are now our own person. We are no longer a needed fixture in our children's lives. We may be menopausal women. We may be men going through that mid life crisis. We may just be parents facing empty nest syndrome. Either way it is a new chapter in our lives and a new road to travel and discover, "Who am I now?"
 
    This is not an easy transition for me.  I'm going through menopause, so I am already a roller coaster of emotions and new quips and quirks that could send me into a frenzy of uncontrollable laughter or a fit of homicidal rage, or even still a river of tears brought on by the Gods only know what, because I sure as hell don't.  Facing the inevitable, I am a parent of adult children who are now off living their own lives. I have done my job. I like to think I have done it well.

    I have the mixed emotions of being ready to have quiet and solitude or feeling needed by children and having them in my life daily. I think about being able to get up and walk to the kitchen in my birthday suit unfettered by the fact that there may be one of my children also heading to the kitchen. Heck even to make crazy spontaneous love to my husband in the middle of the living room floor without worry of recourse from expected interruptions of a child walking into the room.  Then I think about waking up to an empty house, husband at work and children off leading their own lives. What do I do now? Who am I? What am I supposed to do now?

    Yes, these are my formidable years. I am at the trail-head of this new life path and I have no clue where it is going to lead me. I feel like all I can do is hold on tight and enjoy this crazy ride.

Parenting: I did it right and wrong.

    I am sitting here this morning reflecting on so many things, but mostly my life as a mother. In so many ways I feel I have done a great job raising my children but in so many other ways I feel I have failed them miserably. I have four children, but in this article I am referring to my two youngest who are 17 and almost 19.

    I taught them about love, compassion, trust and family bonds. I taught them that no matter what happens in this life, family is important. Your family will always be there for you and you should always be there for them. We may fight and argue at time but when it comes right down to it we are always there for each other. In the process of teaching them this, I would fight their battles at the school with school officials, I would talk to other parents about how their children were treating my children. I did so much for my kids, that in the process, I forgot to teach them to self advocate and how to stick up for themselves and fight their own battles. This is a very important lesson for them to learn. I will not always be around to do this for them. All of my children are now adults or nearing adulthood and I am seeing so many skills they will need as adults and I failed to teach them.

    My children are fearful of doing the things they need such as something as simple as calling and making their own appointments at the dentist or eye doctor.  School was hard for my kids. They were bullied and treated poorly. I really hated the public school system and so did my children.  I caved and let them drop out. Very bad decision on my part. Now I am sitting here watching another woman do the things I should have taught one of my daughters to do or helped her do on her own.  I am feeling like the bad parent. This other woman is going on about how she is going to help my daughter get her GED or high school diploma. This should not bother me as much as it does. I should feel grateful and not seething with jealousy or anger. Part of me is grateful, but the bigger part of me is angry. Perhaps mostly at myself but also at this other woman for doing my job, or more precisely my daughter's job. I have spent the better part of the past two years trying to teach my daughter the things I failed to teach her when she was growing up and that is how to do these things on her own and to self advocate in order to do the things that need to be done. I do understand getting help with some information, but I do not want anyone, not myself, not her father, not her step-father or her step-mother doing it all for her.

    I really do have good children. They have never been trouble makers. They have never sneaked out at night, skipped school to go partying with friends or been in any trouble with the officials. They always check in and let me know where they are or where they are going if they are going somewhere other than where they said they were going. They are kind, compassionate and genuinely care for people and the world around them.  This is another area I excelled in teaching them and at the same time failed. I taught them love and compassion and kindness but in the process forgot to teach them how to be tough and realize that sometimes the world is an ugly place and not everyone is kind and compassionate and that sometimes we have to just turn the other cheek and deal with it. My children are very sensitive, they are easily hurt and very anxious about getting out in the world and living life to it's fullest.

    It's the little things we don't think about that can have the biggest impact. While love and compassion and trust are essential. We need to remember and teach our children some of the harsher lessons in life. It is natural for us to want to protect our children, but we must be careful that while in protecting them, we do not also harm them by inadvertently preventing them from gaining essential skills they will need as adults. We won't always be here for them. Chances are when they absolutely need us the most is when we are gone. Teach them now how to deal with that so they do not 'break' when the time comes.

Escaping the Prison of Fear.

In just under two weeks, I will be making a major move in my life. I am both excited and nervous about this. I left Texas over eleven years ago and thought I would never return even though I would always consider it my home. Texas is a part of me, it is in my blood. I love Texas and leaving it broke my heart. I had to leave though.

I won't get into why I had to leave in this entry but if you would like to read more about that, then follow this link to the blog about that chapter in my life. A Year's Time. It was time to move on to the next chapter. I had no idea what it held but I had to move on. Now the time has come to face my past and my fears and explore the next chapter.

The town, San Marcos, Texas is where it all began for me and it all ended...or so I thought. I am moving back with my new, wonderful and supportive husband and three of my children, (the other one lives in California). I have the courage to do this for several reasons.

First, I have grown and have learned forgiveness. Yes, I forgive the people that caused my family so much pain and anguish. I will never forget, and part of me will always have a hard time trusting anyone new in my life. However, I will continue to give people the benefit of the doubt even though I am secretly cringing in fear on the inside. I can no longer be guided by that fear.

Another reason is because I have a wonderfully supportive network of family and friends that are going to be there as well. My husband will not let me turn into the shell of a woman I became shortly after all hell broke lose. He understands my fear, but he will help me to not live by it's standards. He will help to remind me, I am a strong woman. I am not weak, hateful or evil like some people from my past would like me and others to believe.  I AM a good person and this will shine through as long as I keep my head held high.

The third reason my wonderful friends that are like my brother and sister are moving there as well. They are actually the reason I am moving. They are some of the most supportive people I have ever had the privilege of having in my life. With their support also comes, sometimes harsh honesty that I do not always like to  hear at the time, but is truth none-the-less. Sometimes I need that. I need to hear that I am being selfish, or a coward, or be made aware that I am starting to shut myself in and down. The relationship with these friends have had hard times in the past but due to the hard times I believe we have a much stronger bond. I love them dearly.

You might ask, "Why would you move back there after all that happened. Aren't you scared it will happen again?"  That answer is easy. One, I  am following my friends and my heart. Secondly, a single word: Closure.  Am I afraid, it will happen again? Sure I am, hence the nervousness, but as I said earlier, I refuse to be a prisoner of my own fears ever again.

With all of that said,  I suppose I should get off my butt, and do some more work in preparation for this mighty move to the town where it all started, ended, and is starting again as a new chapter in my life.

~Tess~

Modern Medicine vs Holistic Healing

    A thread on the facebook page that I co-administrate, called Pagan Respect prompted a reply from me that I felt would make a good entry here so that anyone who follows me can see my views on the subject


    I believe that Holistic medicine should be used in conjunction with modern medicine. There are just some things we need modern medicine for. I do believe that there are many ailments that can be treated without big pharma, headaches, body aches, hormonal imbalances, and some forms of depression, to name just a few. When the holistic approach fails, then it is time to go see a medical doctor. Those headaches might be caused by something more sinister.

    Today more and more doctors are recognizing the the benefits of natural treatment such as herbal, yoga, tai-chi and meditation. Find a doctor that is "with the times" and will work with you and your holistic preferences.

    On the non human front. I am a huge fan of animal massage. I have seen it lessen anxiety, joint pain, and aggression in many animals. It also works in conjunction with veterinary medicine for arthritis, and varying forms of dysplasia. Pets that have had to receive surgery for severe hip dysplasia recover much faster when pet massage is incorporated into the healing process.

    I have done pet massage on my pets as well as friends pets before and would love to see more people use pet massage therapy for their pets. ~Tess~

Don't create your own Self Fulfilling Prophecy

I edited this image with the "no" symbol.

I have a friend on Facebook that nearly everything she posts or shares, is like I am looking in a mirror. We seem to see eye to eye on nearly everything. However this morning she posted this image that I edited with the big no symbol because I disagree with it wholeheartedly. I'm not angry with her or anything, she has a right to believe whatever she believes and perhaps she has some extremely negative experiences with this particular subject.

With that said, here are my thoughts on the subject. My husband tells me he loves me everyday. If I asked myself for how long every time he said it I would not be as happy as I am now. I would be more worried about the day he stops loving me rather than enjoying the fact he does love me today. Sometimes shit happens, but we can't dwell on the "what ifs". When it comes to some things you just have to live for today and enjoy it for what it is now, or you will never find true happiness.

I can't even imagine how my life would be if I doubted my husband's love. I joke with him a lot, but I know he loves me with every fiber of his being. If I lived each day wondering how long his love will last, I would be miserable and this would show in my actions and they way I receive his love.

I think the words in the image are a prime example of how self fulfilling prophecy works. if you doubt the love and tell yourself everyday that it won't last you will eventually make the person go away because of your own insecurities and inability to accept it for what it is. We do in fact create our own reality. ~Tess~

Where is my sign?

    I don't know what you would call it, mid-life crisis, pre-empty nest syndrome or just plain ol' crazy. Whatever you call it, I am not in the best of spirits lately and feeling pretty down on myself.

    It really hit a high yesterday when I heard through the grapevine that my oldest daughter was not coming to me about things that are bothering her. We used to be extremely close. She would talk to me about everything. Not so much now. I see her down in the dumps and try to talk to her and she just tells me she is tired. Uhm, excuse me, I am your mother. I know the difference between when you're tired and when you're depressed, but okay you will talk to me when you are up to it. Or so I thought.

    Last week she was late getting out the door to go to work and I had to stop what I was doing to give her a ride. Yes I was irritated and I explained to her that she needs to watch the clock better. She said she did not realize how late it was and merely stated, "Hence watching the clock  better." Apparently I upset her more that I realized. From what I was told it is partly to do with the fact that, well, I was upset with her in general. The main reason though, is that she is starting to feel the demands of adulthood and the responsibility that goes with it.  She did not come and talk to me about these concerns, she talked to someone else. I cried when I learned this.

    I realize that what is going on is the natural course of our lives as parents. Our children grow up, and need us less and less as they get older. The part I am struggling with is this. My self defining role has always been, "above all else, I am a mother." While I still have my son at home, who is sixteen I realize he really does not come to me much either. I am now seeing myself at a crossroad that I don't think I was emotionally or spiritually ready to come to yet.

    I am pretty certain that my subconscious knew what was coming and has been trying to prepare me. I have been a stay at home mother for about sixteen years. This past year I have been feeling the pull to get back into the work-force. This has been another thorn in my side. I am not  having the easiest time finding a job. Not many people want to even consider someone who has not worked in almost twenty years. I have been called for several interviews but they have not panned out. I personally feel it is my appearance. I Have visible tattoos that I can not cover and I am missing quite a few teeth due to a severe mineral deficiency during my pregnancies. In essence I look like a 50 year old ex-biker meth head.  Of course that is the furthest thing from the truth, but first impressions and all ya know.

    While at this cross-road in my life, where I am changing from being a full time mother to being something else. I came to the conclusion that now it is my husbands time to get my full attention. I am pretty much failing in this department. He gets up and goes to work everyday. He works hard and brings home a paycheck to keep a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the internet which allows me to be able to write and post this today. I can't even remember to do something as simple as take his work shirts out of the dryer so they won't be wrinkled and set up the coffee pot so he has coffee in the morning.
This morning I guess I heard him moving about and realized that I had forgotten to take his shirts out of the dryer and hang them up. It was that point that I asked myself, "Oh shit, did I remember to set the coffee pot up for him?" I came flying out of bed and into the kitchen to witness him heading out the door empty handed (no coffee mug ). I apologized and went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and commenced crying my out out, yet again.

    Naturally my husband was concerned and was late getting out the door. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I explained that I was fine. He asked if there was something he should or could be doing and I assured him that what I was going through had absolutely nothing to do with him. He is perfect.  I explained to him what I just shared with you all. He seems to think that maybe he.we should be doing something different. I explained again that I am otherwise happy. I love my  life, I love him. I just don't know how to deal with this cross-road.

    Mid-life crisis? Pre empty nest syndrome? Plain ol' crazy? Perhaps just a little bit of each. All I want to know is why does my cross-road not have a friggin sign?!

Our Struggle with a Conservative/discriminating School Board

My daughter was sent home her first day for refusing to remove her lip piercings because they were not healed yet. The district seems to discriminate who can and can’t have piercings. As I stood in the hallway this morning waiting to talk to a school official I counted 27 students with facial piercings. 7 of those students spoke face to face with a school official and nothing was said about their piercings, yet my daughter sits at home missing out on her education due to a loosely enforced dress-code rule.
I went to the High School with the NC students article in hand and it seemed to do *some* good at the high school itself. However they want a statement of faith and a mission statement from our church. LOL- hmmm I guess I can type one up myself. “My church” is all around us, it is in our spirit, it is part of who we are. It is not an organized place of worship that has guidelines and by-laws.
The Superintendent’s office however was a whole other ball game. Dr. Couch the Superintendent was eager to point out that similar cases have been over-turned in the State of New Mexico and schools were allowed to adhere to their no piercing policies. I did ask was this on a state level or did anyone take it to federal court. Naturally she was citing district courts and judgement made by district court judges. I was happy to point out that the story I referred her to went to the Federal level and asked if the district really wanted to take it that, far. I also told her I really hoped it did not come to that but that I am just tenacious enough to take it that far. Suddenly she had another meeting she had to get to and rushed me out of the office.
I created a petition to get the code changed on change.org. Please feel free to visit my FB page Tess and read about it. I have made all posts concerning this matter public. I am sure only local signatures count, but please feel free to find the petition link and sign. Every signature generates an e-mail to the superintendent and the school board president. The more e-mails the districts officials get inundated with, the more it will show just how many people believe the banning of body modification is archaic and a violation of personal civil rights as well as religious and spiritual rights.
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UPDATE #1:

Yesterday evening we went to a professional piercer to get Skylar’s retainers put in. Her lips were not healed enough and even the piercing artist could not get them in and sadly her holes started to close and she could not even get her old jewelry back in. Skylar was extremely upset by this. But not to worry folks, this battle is NOT over by a long shot. She may not have her piercings in right now but American Woman Tattoo and Body Piercing has vowed to fix this and will re-pierce her in two weeks after allowing her time to heal fully and when they pierce them they are going to insert the clear jewelry immediately.
Am I pissed? You bet your sweet fanny I am pissed. If the school would not be so closed minded and controlling all the emotional and physical trauma my daughter has gone through in the past 4 days would have never happened. In two weeks she is going to go through the pain of getting pierced again. Yes this is HER choice but the school has forced her decision by causing the need to get re-pierced in the first place.

Here is a pic of Skylar a couple of days before her jewelry came out.

Update #2:
We seem to already be making an impact. The district superintendent had informed the High School that they will start allowing students to wear clear facial jewelry. However at this point they are still making students remove their current jewelry and not allowing them the opportunity to purchase clear jewelry first. Many of you know that facial and other body mods close within a matter of hours even when fully healed. When not healed a new piercing or mod can close within minutes. Lets keep this petition going. I am going to update the letter that goes out to the superintendent to reflect that the schools need to allow time, a grace period so to speak in order to allow students the opportunity to get clear jewelry without the risk of losing their piercing . Again thank you and keep passing this petition on.
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UPDATE #3:

Contacted Mountain View Telegraph this morning and spoke with the editor about the schools policy on piercings. He agrees this is an issue that needs to be addressed and is going to have one of his reporters contact me. Yes it is a small paper but it is our local paper and will get to many locals residents. The local residents are the people that can make the largest impact on this issue. I also found out recently that the Moriarty-Edgewood School Districts dress code policy has not been updated for approximately 10 years
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As I said before, Skylar’s piercings closed when we tried to get the clear jewelry in, so for us, this is not a victory, but it is progress. We will be getting her re-pierced in two weeks with clear jewelry when she has healed. She should not have to go through this and we are hoping to help many other students and parents avoid the same fate that has befallen us.

I will keep you all updated.
In peace and unity,
Tess

In Memory of Nolen G. Bragg- Some days I miss you so very much

You will always be my hero. You were always there for me. You were ready to praise me when I had done well and always there to let me know I had screwed up. You never threw my past mistakes in my face or ever held them against me, and trust me I know I made many.

I miss your Papa-chip cookies,

I miss sitting at the table with you and listening to your stories. (Sending the preacher to the whore-house will always be my favorite, you sly ol'dog)

I miss having coffee with you in the mornings and just sitting quietly listening to the chickens wake up.

I miss hearing you call me "boy", lol that used to confuse my friends so much, but it was a term of endearment that I will always remember and treasure.

I miss walking over to your house before I go the store and asking if you need anything while I am out. It took a long time to stop feeling the need to do that.

I miss your chicken and dumplings. Even though you gave me the recipe before you left this world I have not had the heart to try and make them. They will never be yours.

I miss  being able to call you and tell you when something good happens in my life.

I miss you being there when I neeed advice.

I miss how smart you were and the fact I could call you or walk over and get an answer to just about anything I needed concerning math or history.

Most of all I miss you Granddaddy and looking out my window in the morning to see if your kitchen light is on yet.

I love you!
Nolen Griffith Bragg March 17, 1922 - March 19, 2003

Grains of Emotional Sand

There are days like today when the primary emotion I have would cause a river of tears to flow in my house. There isn't any major thing that I am sad about, it is just to many little things like grains of sand that finally amount to an entire sand dune.

I love it out here where we moved for several reasons. It is quiet, peaceful, pretty and there is so much potential. I hate it for many more reasons. I took my children away from some semblance of a social life. Shye-Ann had so many friends back in Rio Rancho, if she got lonely or bored she could take a 10 minute walk and be at a park where nearly everyone liked her and accepted her for who she is. Out here in Moriarty there is no where for her to go close and when we do take her somewhere that she can try and meet people she is treated with rudeness, and is not accepted. She sleeps so much and is now having headaches. She is cranky and that smile that lights up a room is so rare now. My heart breaks for her.

 Sarah has suffered as well. When she got bored she could also go to the park, although she never quite felt as accepted there, it was something she could do to get out of the house and not have to depend on anyone to take her. She would walk to town and browse and window shop or walk over to her friend Kayla or Angel's. Here she is stranded. She too is struggling with making friends and being accepted when she meets people at the local park. Both girls are getting to the point they don't even want to go there anymore because it always turns out disastrous.

Both girls are putting a lot of hope into returning to school. I also am hoping that school will be a way for them to feel less isolated and an opportunity to meet some people who are not as cruel as the children they have met at the local park. I pray that the children at the park are not indicative of what the majority of kids here are like.

Kids aside, there is also me and my own feelings of inadequacy. The recent issues with my health (albeit minor) is proving to be a hindrance to me. I like being active and with my back and leg issue, just standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes causes me discomfort in a short period of time.  I am hoping that the recent tests I had done will prove fruitful and that it is something that can be remedied easily. I do not like the idea of surgery but I am to the point if that is what it takes then freaking cut me open!

The weeds around the house are getting out of control, and I actually want to do something about it, but here again I am limited. We really don't have the tools needed to maintain the property. We really need a riding lawnmower but hell even a push mower or a powerful weed eater would be better than just the rake, and shovel that are our only tools now. So here I am unable to really do anything to clean up outside and make things "pretty".

I love my pets, but they are really starting to bother me too. Damn listen to me, I sound like I am just not happy at all. I really am! I love my family with everything I am, but like I said all these things are nothing major all at once just tiny grains of sand. Anyway. The cat I have had for about 15 years (since he was weaned) is starting to get on my last nerve. He refuses to use a litter box if it has even a grain of kitty litter than has been used. He then decided that anything laying in the floor is a viable place to potty, ( pile of clothes, a blanket that is on the floor, a towel laying on the floor as a bath mat, etc). I Love this cat dearly but he is starting to make my house reek, we had to throw out a great comforter because no matter how many times I washed it, the smell of cat urine will not come out. Then there is Ruby, she has started acting out ever since we got Morigan. She never used to potty in the house or be aggressive. She has turned into a neurotic, stark raving lunatic. She dropped a deuce on the back of the couch for god only knows why, and has gone to the potty on the carpet several times. Morigan cant even walk by without Ruby turning into a rabid bitch. Morigan is not completely house trained yet, this is kind of bearable because she came to us this way and it is something I can work with, a dog going from house trained to NOT is just infuriating. Granted when Morigan has been outside for an hour and come in and craps on the carpet I get pissed. Alley is just hyper and her and Morigan cant seem to NOT play when they are in the house together, which includes high pitched barking, growling bumping into me, tripping me etc. We don't have a fenced yard so I cant just throw the dogs outside to play and hang out all day. I have to put them on the back porch or go out there with them. This gets frustrating as well. More work. Keep the back porch clean of pet dropping or have a houseful of flies.

Lets get onto me feeling completely inadequate in other areas. I love Chris with every fiber of my being and I want to be there for him for everything that I should be. Well I am not there for him 100%.  All the aches and pain I get make me less than amorous when he is feeling the need. I deny him more than I want and possibly more than I should. He is young and in his prime and here lately I feel like a decrepit old woman who is just holding him back. I don't know how to feel better about this. Yes i have talked to him a little but not in depth. I know he will say.. "DAMMIT, you're not old, stop saying that, I Love you and I think you are sexy and beautiful." All I can say is, I sure wish I FELT sexy and beautiful.

Well there in a nutshell, you have my tiny grains of emotional sand. Do with them what you will.

Parental Responsibility

Sometimes those two words can be the most difficult words to adhere to. As an adult we need to understand that not all children are raised the same and sometimes even if they are raised in a loving and caring home, some kids will still rebel and become less than caring individuals. I think perhaps more times than not however, "bad kids" come from homes that do not teach diversity, compassion and most of all do not show how to love on a daily basis.

My fiance and I both are struggling with the "bad kid" issue. Our children love going to the local park and hanging out but the kids in this town have been anything but welcoming. As a matter of fact the have been downright mean, verbally abusive and sexually explicit. My children's self esteem has taken a nose dive due to the treatment they have received from many of the local teens they have encountered. As much as I hate to admit it I kind of share the same feeling my fiance expressed in his blog (beware those of you that take offense to potty mouths.)

In total frustration,
Momma Tess

Children on Leashes.

    Today is my daughter Sarah's 16th birthday party. Her birthday was actually on Thursday, but who wants to have a party in the middle of the week. This was supposed to be a sleepover weekend with her friends and sadly only one friend was able to come Friday. We even offered to pick children up Friday evening and take them back Sunday afternoon. I don't understand some parents. They would choose to keep a tight leash on their teenagers rather than to offer up trust or understanding. 

   Most parents had no valid reasoning as to why they would not allow their kids to spend the weekend with us, or if they did they were not sharing it. It leaves me wondering if it is something about us as a family and they are too coward to state it and possibly get clarification of some perhaps false image they  have of us. One parent did offer up a reason but in my opinion was rather weak. We live too far out. How is that valid if we are providing the transportation? Another parent drove her daughter out today and will drive all the way back to pick her up this evening. It is a two hour trip to our house from hers and two hours back again. Seems to me to be a wasted day and wasted gas.
  
   We are taking the other child home tomorrow afternoon and could easily give this other child a ride home tomorrow as well, saving her parents time and gas money. We offered this but were told no that they would pick her up. Not wanting to upset my daughter or her friend by possibly causing a rift I let it go (for now). Perhaps I will prod further when they come to pick her up. I just didn't want to cause an issue to where the other parent might decide to take her daughter back home then and there. We all know parents like this, that will punish the child for their own anger towards another parent.

  Well on the bright side Sarah is having a good time with the friends she has here now. I am grateful for this and hope the remainder of the day goes well for her.


Peace and Light~
Momma Tess