Escaping the Prison of Fear.

In just under two weeks, I will be making a major move in my life. I am both excited and nervous about this. I left Texas over eleven years ago and thought I would never return even though I would always consider it my home. Texas is a part of me, it is in my blood. I love Texas and leaving it broke my heart. I had to leave though.

I won't get into why I had to leave in this entry but if you would like to read more about that, then follow this link to the blog about that chapter in my life. A Year's Time. It was time to move on to the next chapter. I had no idea what it held but I had to move on. Now the time has come to face my past and my fears and explore the next chapter.

The town, San Marcos, Texas is where it all began for me and it all ended...or so I thought. I am moving back with my new, wonderful and supportive husband and three of my children, (the other one lives in California). I have the courage to do this for several reasons.

First, I have grown and have learned forgiveness. Yes, I forgive the people that caused my family so much pain and anguish. I will never forget, and part of me will always have a hard time trusting anyone new in my life. However, I will continue to give people the benefit of the doubt even though I am secretly cringing in fear on the inside. I can no longer be guided by that fear.

Another reason is because I have a wonderfully supportive network of family and friends that are going to be there as well. My husband will not let me turn into the shell of a woman I became shortly after all hell broke lose. He understands my fear, but he will help me to not live by it's standards. He will help to remind me, I am a strong woman. I am not weak, hateful or evil like some people from my past would like me and others to believe.  I AM a good person and this will shine through as long as I keep my head held high.

The third reason my wonderful friends that are like my brother and sister are moving there as well. They are actually the reason I am moving. They are some of the most supportive people I have ever had the privilege of having in my life. With their support also comes, sometimes harsh honesty that I do not always like to  hear at the time, but is truth none-the-less. Sometimes I need that. I need to hear that I am being selfish, or a coward, or be made aware that I am starting to shut myself in and down. The relationship with these friends have had hard times in the past but due to the hard times I believe we have a much stronger bond. I love them dearly.

You might ask, "Why would you move back there after all that happened. Aren't you scared it will happen again?"  That answer is easy. One, I  am following my friends and my heart. Secondly, a single word: Closure.  Am I afraid, it will happen again? Sure I am, hence the nervousness, but as I said earlier, I refuse to be a prisoner of my own fears ever again.

With all of that said,  I suppose I should get off my butt, and do some more work in preparation for this mighty move to the town where it all started, ended, and is starting again as a new chapter in my life.

~Tess~