Mannequins of the Internet

    Like most of my readers, I use other venues to connect with people; sites such as Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter and a few others. I am most active on Facebook. Many of my friends and family live far away and a social network like this is the best way to keep in touch, share thoughts and ideas, or just be silly. I have also made connections with people I have never met face to face. I have met these people through mutual friends or through conversations on mutually 'liked' interest pages. I do not add people willy nilly just to have a large number under my 'friends' heading. I actually add very few people.

    Most online connections that I have who are not face to face friends or family are from people who sent me a request for friendship. I do not even accept those requests lightly. I will go to their page to see what types of things if any that we have in common. I will see when they created their page. I will look to see what kinds of groups they are in, music they like, movies they watch and if we have any mutual friends. I want to see if there is some common ground.  I then either accept of decline the request. If I accept I take the time to try and get to know the person.

     In the past month or two I have had an unusual amount of people unfriending me. I am not sure why and I am only left to guess or assume the cause. The things I come up with are pretty shallow. One very resounding reason seems to be, mutual friends.  Jane is having a fight with Sylvia so Sylvia unfriends Jane. I was still talking to Jane, I would comment on her posts, or like her pictures. I would also still talk to Sylvia and like her pictures and comment on her posts. Since I am friends with Sylvia, Jane unfriends me even though I had nothing to do with their fight. I said nothing about their fight. I did not even talk to them about their fight. I even chose to stay out of it when I saw them passively aggressively attacking each other all over the internet. Heck that is between them, I have no business sticking my nose where it does not belong.  Perhaps I should have taken sides?

    Of course I am using fake names in the above scenario, but it seems that several times this has been the case. It bothers me, because as I said, I try and take the time to get to know people. To me Facebook is not a business, it is a place where I make friends and communicate with friends and family. I am a real person, with real opinions, real ideas, dreams, and aspirations, but most of all very real feelings.

    I share my feelings about things. This can range anywhere from how I feel about the treatment of our veterans to religion. Or from my opinion on a certain restaurant to my opinion on a story I read on a news website.

    When I share my views/feelings/opinions, I am not trying to convert you to my way of thinking. I am merely sharing my viewpoint, my feelings and my take on any given scenario. I share most of these things very publicly and I love feedback. I love it when people share their own ideas, or feelings, I love discussing varying viewpoints.  Heck I can even be swayed to see things in a whole new light. I am not closed minded. I am not shut off to the idea that I might be missing another angle.

    When someone decides to remove me without so much as a word about it or why, then I left to assume that our connection never meant anything to them. They were simply a number under my "friends" heading and I was simply a number under theirs. They are the walking talking mannequin that I never wanted to have as a connection in the first place. I suppose I should be grateful that they are gone now, but I'm not. I took a vested interest in this person. I took time out of my day to say hello. I took time out of my day to show interest in what they had to say.  I made room for them in my life. So yes it does bother me. Yes I do feel like I really did not matter. You can say, "who cares, they weren't a real friend anyway. You don't need that in your life. You are better off without them." I think you know as well as I do, those words are just a cover-up for what we really feel. Sure we don't need that in our lives but that does not negate the fact we suddenly feel a little or a lot hurt. We feel used to a certain extent, and we are left to wonder. " Seriously, what the heck did I ever do to you?"

    The best way I can try and protect myself is too see these people not as genuine human beings, having a genuine heart, but only as being emotionless, uncaring mannequins of the internet.

Don't create your own Self Fulfilling Prophecy

I edited this image with the "no" symbol.

I have a friend on Facebook that nearly everything she posts or shares, is like I am looking in a mirror. We seem to see eye to eye on nearly everything. However this morning she posted this image that I edited with the big no symbol because I disagree with it wholeheartedly. I'm not angry with her or anything, she has a right to believe whatever she believes and perhaps she has some extremely negative experiences with this particular subject.

With that said, here are my thoughts on the subject. My husband tells me he loves me everyday. If I asked myself for how long every time he said it I would not be as happy as I am now. I would be more worried about the day he stops loving me rather than enjoying the fact he does love me today. Sometimes shit happens, but we can't dwell on the "what ifs". When it comes to some things you just have to live for today and enjoy it for what it is now, or you will never find true happiness.

I can't even imagine how my life would be if I doubted my husband's love. I joke with him a lot, but I know he loves me with every fiber of his being. If I lived each day wondering how long his love will last, I would be miserable and this would show in my actions and they way I receive his love.

I think the words in the image are a prime example of how self fulfilling prophecy works. if you doubt the love and tell yourself everyday that it won't last you will eventually make the person go away because of your own insecurities and inability to accept it for what it is. We do in fact create our own reality. ~Tess~

Where is my sign?

    I don't know what you would call it, mid-life crisis, pre-empty nest syndrome or just plain ol' crazy. Whatever you call it, I am not in the best of spirits lately and feeling pretty down on myself.

    It really hit a high yesterday when I heard through the grapevine that my oldest daughter was not coming to me about things that are bothering her. We used to be extremely close. She would talk to me about everything. Not so much now. I see her down in the dumps and try to talk to her and she just tells me she is tired. Uhm, excuse me, I am your mother. I know the difference between when you're tired and when you're depressed, but okay you will talk to me when you are up to it. Or so I thought.

    Last week she was late getting out the door to go to work and I had to stop what I was doing to give her a ride. Yes I was irritated and I explained to her that she needs to watch the clock better. She said she did not realize how late it was and merely stated, "Hence watching the clock  better." Apparently I upset her more that I realized. From what I was told it is partly to do with the fact that, well, I was upset with her in general. The main reason though, is that she is starting to feel the demands of adulthood and the responsibility that goes with it.  She did not come and talk to me about these concerns, she talked to someone else. I cried when I learned this.

    I realize that what is going on is the natural course of our lives as parents. Our children grow up, and need us less and less as they get older. The part I am struggling with is this. My self defining role has always been, "above all else, I am a mother." While I still have my son at home, who is sixteen I realize he really does not come to me much either. I am now seeing myself at a crossroad that I don't think I was emotionally or spiritually ready to come to yet.

    I am pretty certain that my subconscious knew what was coming and has been trying to prepare me. I have been a stay at home mother for about sixteen years. This past year I have been feeling the pull to get back into the work-force. This has been another thorn in my side. I am not  having the easiest time finding a job. Not many people want to even consider someone who has not worked in almost twenty years. I have been called for several interviews but they have not panned out. I personally feel it is my appearance. I Have visible tattoos that I can not cover and I am missing quite a few teeth due to a severe mineral deficiency during my pregnancies. In essence I look like a 50 year old ex-biker meth head.  Of course that is the furthest thing from the truth, but first impressions and all ya know.

    While at this cross-road in my life, where I am changing from being a full time mother to being something else. I came to the conclusion that now it is my husbands time to get my full attention. I am pretty much failing in this department. He gets up and goes to work everyday. He works hard and brings home a paycheck to keep a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the internet which allows me to be able to write and post this today. I can't even remember to do something as simple as take his work shirts out of the dryer so they won't be wrinkled and set up the coffee pot so he has coffee in the morning.
This morning I guess I heard him moving about and realized that I had forgotten to take his shirts out of the dryer and hang them up. It was that point that I asked myself, "Oh shit, did I remember to set the coffee pot up for him?" I came flying out of bed and into the kitchen to witness him heading out the door empty handed (no coffee mug ). I apologized and went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and commenced crying my out out, yet again.

    Naturally my husband was concerned and was late getting out the door. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I explained that I was fine. He asked if there was something he should or could be doing and I assured him that what I was going through had absolutely nothing to do with him. He is perfect.  I explained to him what I just shared with you all. He seems to think that maybe he.we should be doing something different. I explained again that I am otherwise happy. I love my  life, I love him. I just don't know how to deal with this cross-road.

    Mid-life crisis? Pre empty nest syndrome? Plain ol' crazy? Perhaps just a little bit of each. All I want to know is why does my cross-road not have a friggin sign?!

Imperfection

Temperance is what I ask for
Patience is what I need
Tolerance
Perseverance
Understanding

How can I help one who is not willing to help themselves
How can I understand if there is no explanation
How can I give my love
If it is not taken
How can I guide
If I have no followers
How can I see if there is no light
How can I listen
If there is no sound

I can not work miracles
Though I may try
I can not be perfect
Though you may want me to be

I am human
I make mistakes
I feel
I hurt
I love

I am an imperfect person
In an imperfect world
Please dont ask me to be perfect

Because I will disappoint us both.

©2009
~Momma Tess~

How does one recover from an aching spirit?
When so much is given.
So little is achknowledged.
You give from the spirit.
Selflessly.
Unconditionally.




All that you ask is not to have that piece of your spirit trampled upon.
How much of ourselves can we give away and still remain intact?
I fear the day I become cold and calloused.
It is not who I am.

How long before I have no more left to give?
Is the spirit infinate?
Does it ever cease to exist?
Can it all be chiselled away slowly, piece by piece?
Does it grow back?
How does one recover from an aching spirit?
Do we ever?

Grains of Emotional Sand

There are days like today when the primary emotion I have would cause a river of tears to flow in my house. There isn't any major thing that I am sad about, it is just to many little things like grains of sand that finally amount to an entire sand dune.

I love it out here where we moved for several reasons. It is quiet, peaceful, pretty and there is so much potential. I hate it for many more reasons. I took my children away from some semblance of a social life. Shye-Ann had so many friends back in Rio Rancho, if she got lonely or bored she could take a 10 minute walk and be at a park where nearly everyone liked her and accepted her for who she is. Out here in Moriarty there is no where for her to go close and when we do take her somewhere that she can try and meet people she is treated with rudeness, and is not accepted. She sleeps so much and is now having headaches. She is cranky and that smile that lights up a room is so rare now. My heart breaks for her.

 Sarah has suffered as well. When she got bored she could also go to the park, although she never quite felt as accepted there, it was something she could do to get out of the house and not have to depend on anyone to take her. She would walk to town and browse and window shop or walk over to her friend Kayla or Angel's. Here she is stranded. She too is struggling with making friends and being accepted when she meets people at the local park. Both girls are getting to the point they don't even want to go there anymore because it always turns out disastrous.

Both girls are putting a lot of hope into returning to school. I also am hoping that school will be a way for them to feel less isolated and an opportunity to meet some people who are not as cruel as the children they have met at the local park. I pray that the children at the park are not indicative of what the majority of kids here are like.

Kids aside, there is also me and my own feelings of inadequacy. The recent issues with my health (albeit minor) is proving to be a hindrance to me. I like being active and with my back and leg issue, just standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes causes me discomfort in a short period of time.  I am hoping that the recent tests I had done will prove fruitful and that it is something that can be remedied easily. I do not like the idea of surgery but I am to the point if that is what it takes then freaking cut me open!

The weeds around the house are getting out of control, and I actually want to do something about it, but here again I am limited. We really don't have the tools needed to maintain the property. We really need a riding lawnmower but hell even a push mower or a powerful weed eater would be better than just the rake, and shovel that are our only tools now. So here I am unable to really do anything to clean up outside and make things "pretty".

I love my pets, but they are really starting to bother me too. Damn listen to me, I sound like I am just not happy at all. I really am! I love my family with everything I am, but like I said all these things are nothing major all at once just tiny grains of sand. Anyway. The cat I have had for about 15 years (since he was weaned) is starting to get on my last nerve. He refuses to use a litter box if it has even a grain of kitty litter than has been used. He then decided that anything laying in the floor is a viable place to potty, ( pile of clothes, a blanket that is on the floor, a towel laying on the floor as a bath mat, etc). I Love this cat dearly but he is starting to make my house reek, we had to throw out a great comforter because no matter how many times I washed it, the smell of cat urine will not come out. Then there is Ruby, she has started acting out ever since we got Morigan. She never used to potty in the house or be aggressive. She has turned into a neurotic, stark raving lunatic. She dropped a deuce on the back of the couch for god only knows why, and has gone to the potty on the carpet several times. Morigan cant even walk by without Ruby turning into a rabid bitch. Morigan is not completely house trained yet, this is kind of bearable because she came to us this way and it is something I can work with, a dog going from house trained to NOT is just infuriating. Granted when Morigan has been outside for an hour and come in and craps on the carpet I get pissed. Alley is just hyper and her and Morigan cant seem to NOT play when they are in the house together, which includes high pitched barking, growling bumping into me, tripping me etc. We don't have a fenced yard so I cant just throw the dogs outside to play and hang out all day. I have to put them on the back porch or go out there with them. This gets frustrating as well. More work. Keep the back porch clean of pet dropping or have a houseful of flies.

Lets get onto me feeling completely inadequate in other areas. I love Chris with every fiber of my being and I want to be there for him for everything that I should be. Well I am not there for him 100%.  All the aches and pain I get make me less than amorous when he is feeling the need. I deny him more than I want and possibly more than I should. He is young and in his prime and here lately I feel like a decrepit old woman who is just holding him back. I don't know how to feel better about this. Yes i have talked to him a little but not in depth. I know he will say.. "DAMMIT, you're not old, stop saying that, I Love you and I think you are sexy and beautiful." All I can say is, I sure wish I FELT sexy and beautiful.

Well there in a nutshell, you have my tiny grains of emotional sand. Do with them what you will.