Escaping the Prison of Fear.

In just under two weeks, I will be making a major move in my life. I am both excited and nervous about this. I left Texas over eleven years ago and thought I would never return even though I would always consider it my home. Texas is a part of me, it is in my blood. I love Texas and leaving it broke my heart. I had to leave though.

I won't get into why I had to leave in this entry but if you would like to read more about that, then follow this link to the blog about that chapter in my life. A Year's Time. It was time to move on to the next chapter. I had no idea what it held but I had to move on. Now the time has come to face my past and my fears and explore the next chapter.

The town, San Marcos, Texas is where it all began for me and it all ended...or so I thought. I am moving back with my new, wonderful and supportive husband and three of my children, (the other one lives in California). I have the courage to do this for several reasons.

First, I have grown and have learned forgiveness. Yes, I forgive the people that caused my family so much pain and anguish. I will never forget, and part of me will always have a hard time trusting anyone new in my life. However, I will continue to give people the benefit of the doubt even though I am secretly cringing in fear on the inside. I can no longer be guided by that fear.

Another reason is because I have a wonderfully supportive network of family and friends that are going to be there as well. My husband will not let me turn into the shell of a woman I became shortly after all hell broke lose. He understands my fear, but he will help me to not live by it's standards. He will help to remind me, I am a strong woman. I am not weak, hateful or evil like some people from my past would like me and others to believe.  I AM a good person and this will shine through as long as I keep my head held high.

The third reason my wonderful friends that are like my brother and sister are moving there as well. They are actually the reason I am moving. They are some of the most supportive people I have ever had the privilege of having in my life. With their support also comes, sometimes harsh honesty that I do not always like to  hear at the time, but is truth none-the-less. Sometimes I need that. I need to hear that I am being selfish, or a coward, or be made aware that I am starting to shut myself in and down. The relationship with these friends have had hard times in the past but due to the hard times I believe we have a much stronger bond. I love them dearly.

You might ask, "Why would you move back there after all that happened. Aren't you scared it will happen again?"  That answer is easy. One, I  am following my friends and my heart. Secondly, a single word: Closure.  Am I afraid, it will happen again? Sure I am, hence the nervousness, but as I said earlier, I refuse to be a prisoner of my own fears ever again.

With all of that said,  I suppose I should get off my butt, and do some more work in preparation for this mighty move to the town where it all started, ended, and is starting again as a new chapter in my life.

~Tess~

Modern Medicine vs Holistic Healing

    A thread on the facebook page that I co-administrate, called Pagan Respect prompted a reply from me that I felt would make a good entry here so that anyone who follows me can see my views on the subject


    I believe that Holistic medicine should be used in conjunction with modern medicine. There are just some things we need modern medicine for. I do believe that there are many ailments that can be treated without big pharma, headaches, body aches, hormonal imbalances, and some forms of depression, to name just a few. When the holistic approach fails, then it is time to go see a medical doctor. Those headaches might be caused by something more sinister.

    Today more and more doctors are recognizing the the benefits of natural treatment such as herbal, yoga, tai-chi and meditation. Find a doctor that is "with the times" and will work with you and your holistic preferences.

    On the non human front. I am a huge fan of animal massage. I have seen it lessen anxiety, joint pain, and aggression in many animals. It also works in conjunction with veterinary medicine for arthritis, and varying forms of dysplasia. Pets that have had to receive surgery for severe hip dysplasia recover much faster when pet massage is incorporated into the healing process.

    I have done pet massage on my pets as well as friends pets before and would love to see more people use pet massage therapy for their pets. ~Tess~

Don't create your own Self Fulfilling Prophecy

I edited this image with the "no" symbol.

I have a friend on Facebook that nearly everything she posts or shares, is like I am looking in a mirror. We seem to see eye to eye on nearly everything. However this morning she posted this image that I edited with the big no symbol because I disagree with it wholeheartedly. I'm not angry with her or anything, she has a right to believe whatever she believes and perhaps she has some extremely negative experiences with this particular subject.

With that said, here are my thoughts on the subject. My husband tells me he loves me everyday. If I asked myself for how long every time he said it I would not be as happy as I am now. I would be more worried about the day he stops loving me rather than enjoying the fact he does love me today. Sometimes shit happens, but we can't dwell on the "what ifs". When it comes to some things you just have to live for today and enjoy it for what it is now, or you will never find true happiness.

I can't even imagine how my life would be if I doubted my husband's love. I joke with him a lot, but I know he loves me with every fiber of his being. If I lived each day wondering how long his love will last, I would be miserable and this would show in my actions and they way I receive his love.

I think the words in the image are a prime example of how self fulfilling prophecy works. if you doubt the love and tell yourself everyday that it won't last you will eventually make the person go away because of your own insecurities and inability to accept it for what it is. We do in fact create our own reality. ~Tess~

Coincidence or Magic?

I had a conversation a while back with someone questioning the term magic. They said, "Witches, light workers, Reiki practitioners, all that, claim magic and spell work. Sounds like a bunch of crap to me. There is no such thing as real magic, only illusion."

I thought on this awhile and my response was, "Energy, the world is full of it, from the tree outside the window, to the stone laying beneath it, to the power-plant up-state, everything is comprised of energy. A man manipulates it and creates a form of destruction such as the atom bomb and it is called science. Another man manipulates it and creates a powerful tool to see within our bodies such as the x-ray and it is called science of medicine. Another man manipulates it and creates change in his life or another persons by making them feel better or getting the house loan they applied for and it's called luck or coincidence. When coincidence becomes habitual it is no longer coincidence.

Spell-Casting vs Prayer

Someone stated once, "casting spells is evil!" I said really? Let me run a few things by you.

When you want or need something you go to your spiritual place, usually a church and light a candle, you kneel, clasp your hands together and ask for something; either change in your life, for someone you love to over come an illness (and you may even place their picture at the prayer altar or podium or whatever you call it, or may just ask for guidance and then you draw the cross across your chest. She said "Yes, basically."

Ok, I go to my spiritual place, be it outside or to a place I created in my home, I light candles and some incense, I may kneel or stand, I raise my hands upward, I ask for change in my life, or for a love one to be healed, I too will place a picture on the altar in such cases, and sometimes I may just feel lost and ask for guidance, I then draw my spiritual symbol in the air.

Tell me my friend, how is my spell-work much different than your prayer? She could not give me a valid answer.

Regardless of your spiritual path, whenever you desire change and you do something be it pagan ritual, spell-casting, or Christian prayer, you are setting energies into motion to achieve the change you desire. ~Tess~

Where is my sign?

    I don't know what you would call it, mid-life crisis, pre-empty nest syndrome or just plain ol' crazy. Whatever you call it, I am not in the best of spirits lately and feeling pretty down on myself.

    It really hit a high yesterday when I heard through the grapevine that my oldest daughter was not coming to me about things that are bothering her. We used to be extremely close. She would talk to me about everything. Not so much now. I see her down in the dumps and try to talk to her and she just tells me she is tired. Uhm, excuse me, I am your mother. I know the difference between when you're tired and when you're depressed, but okay you will talk to me when you are up to it. Or so I thought.

    Last week she was late getting out the door to go to work and I had to stop what I was doing to give her a ride. Yes I was irritated and I explained to her that she needs to watch the clock better. She said she did not realize how late it was and merely stated, "Hence watching the clock  better." Apparently I upset her more that I realized. From what I was told it is partly to do with the fact that, well, I was upset with her in general. The main reason though, is that she is starting to feel the demands of adulthood and the responsibility that goes with it.  She did not come and talk to me about these concerns, she talked to someone else. I cried when I learned this.

    I realize that what is going on is the natural course of our lives as parents. Our children grow up, and need us less and less as they get older. The part I am struggling with is this. My self defining role has always been, "above all else, I am a mother." While I still have my son at home, who is sixteen I realize he really does not come to me much either. I am now seeing myself at a crossroad that I don't think I was emotionally or spiritually ready to come to yet.

    I am pretty certain that my subconscious knew what was coming and has been trying to prepare me. I have been a stay at home mother for about sixteen years. This past year I have been feeling the pull to get back into the work-force. This has been another thorn in my side. I am not  having the easiest time finding a job. Not many people want to even consider someone who has not worked in almost twenty years. I have been called for several interviews but they have not panned out. I personally feel it is my appearance. I Have visible tattoos that I can not cover and I am missing quite a few teeth due to a severe mineral deficiency during my pregnancies. In essence I look like a 50 year old ex-biker meth head.  Of course that is the furthest thing from the truth, but first impressions and all ya know.

    While at this cross-road in my life, where I am changing from being a full time mother to being something else. I came to the conclusion that now it is my husbands time to get my full attention. I am pretty much failing in this department. He gets up and goes to work everyday. He works hard and brings home a paycheck to keep a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the internet which allows me to be able to write and post this today. I can't even remember to do something as simple as take his work shirts out of the dryer so they won't be wrinkled and set up the coffee pot so he has coffee in the morning.
This morning I guess I heard him moving about and realized that I had forgotten to take his shirts out of the dryer and hang them up. It was that point that I asked myself, "Oh shit, did I remember to set the coffee pot up for him?" I came flying out of bed and into the kitchen to witness him heading out the door empty handed (no coffee mug ). I apologized and went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and commenced crying my out out, yet again.

    Naturally my husband was concerned and was late getting out the door. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I explained that I was fine. He asked if there was something he should or could be doing and I assured him that what I was going through had absolutely nothing to do with him. He is perfect.  I explained to him what I just shared with you all. He seems to think that maybe he.we should be doing something different. I explained again that I am otherwise happy. I love my  life, I love him. I just don't know how to deal with this cross-road.

    Mid-life crisis? Pre empty nest syndrome? Plain ol' crazy? Perhaps just a little bit of each. All I want to know is why does my cross-road not have a friggin sign?!

You can't have your Equality and Racism too.

We can never expect to have total equality in this nation when actions are always blamed on racial, religious, or sexual motivation.

I am am upset with the GZ verdict just as much as other people are BUT, what I am even more upset with is the race card being thrown out like it is. I don't think this was about race and am pretty fed up with it being turned into a racial issue. We are are fighting for equality in this country for every single person and every time something like this gets turned into a racial issue it sets us back a decade or more. How can we as a nation get past the race debate, if every time a person of color dies or a person of color kills a person not of color "it was racially motivated." The fact that another human used deadly force against an unarmed youth and allowed to walk away is the travesty here, not the fact the youth was black and the shooter was not.

Trayvon Martin could not speak for himself. Everyone involved and everyone following the story could only listen to his shooters words and speculate what went through young Mr. Martin's mind at the time of the attack.

Here is my view and my take on it.

If I am walking down the road and I notice a truck following me for several blocks, I am going to be very nervous, and go into defense mode. If the driver of that truck pulls over, gets out and approaches me I am going to be very on edge and very defensive. If I see the person approaching me is carrying a gun I am not going to wait very long to defend myself. Zimmerman was told by 911 NOT to approach the suspect, he did so anyway, which in my opinion shows a desire for confrontation. That leaves the question, who was defending themselves first.. Trayvon or Zimmerman. I can only go on assumption here since one of the parties is dead. My assumption is that Trayvon feared for his safety and acted in the only way he could with only a bag of skittles in his pocket and no other other weapon. He used his fists when someone he saw as a threat tried to apprehend him and got the upper hand in the situation. Zimmerman then shot him.

I think Zimmerman was a bully with a gun not a racist. The courts made him out to be the victim. The only victim in this situation is a young man who lost his life too soon and the family who will never see him reach adulthood.

That's all I have to say on it. I hope all this racism crap comes to an end soon. Until then I will be playing video games and watching non-news television.


Peace and Love to you all,
~MommaTess~