Parenting: I did it right and wrong.

    I am sitting here this morning reflecting on so many things, but mostly my life as a mother. In so many ways I feel I have done a great job raising my children but in so many other ways I feel I have failed them miserably. I have four children, but in this article I am referring to my two youngest who are 17 and almost 19.

    I taught them about love, compassion, trust and family bonds. I taught them that no matter what happens in this life, family is important. Your family will always be there for you and you should always be there for them. We may fight and argue at time but when it comes right down to it we are always there for each other. In the process of teaching them this, I would fight their battles at the school with school officials, I would talk to other parents about how their children were treating my children. I did so much for my kids, that in the process, I forgot to teach them to self advocate and how to stick up for themselves and fight their own battles. This is a very important lesson for them to learn. I will not always be around to do this for them. All of my children are now adults or nearing adulthood and I am seeing so many skills they will need as adults and I failed to teach them.

    My children are fearful of doing the things they need such as something as simple as calling and making their own appointments at the dentist or eye doctor.  School was hard for my kids. They were bullied and treated poorly. I really hated the public school system and so did my children.  I caved and let them drop out. Very bad decision on my part. Now I am sitting here watching another woman do the things I should have taught one of my daughters to do or helped her do on her own.  I am feeling like the bad parent. This other woman is going on about how she is going to help my daughter get her GED or high school diploma. This should not bother me as much as it does. I should feel grateful and not seething with jealousy or anger. Part of me is grateful, but the bigger part of me is angry. Perhaps mostly at myself but also at this other woman for doing my job, or more precisely my daughter's job. I have spent the better part of the past two years trying to teach my daughter the things I failed to teach her when she was growing up and that is how to do these things on her own and to self advocate in order to do the things that need to be done. I do understand getting help with some information, but I do not want anyone, not myself, not her father, not her step-father or her step-mother doing it all for her.

    I really do have good children. They have never been trouble makers. They have never sneaked out at night, skipped school to go partying with friends or been in any trouble with the officials. They always check in and let me know where they are or where they are going if they are going somewhere other than where they said they were going. They are kind, compassionate and genuinely care for people and the world around them.  This is another area I excelled in teaching them and at the same time failed. I taught them love and compassion and kindness but in the process forgot to teach them how to be tough and realize that sometimes the world is an ugly place and not everyone is kind and compassionate and that sometimes we have to just turn the other cheek and deal with it. My children are very sensitive, they are easily hurt and very anxious about getting out in the world and living life to it's fullest.

    It's the little things we don't think about that can have the biggest impact. While love and compassion and trust are essential. We need to remember and teach our children some of the harsher lessons in life. It is natural for us to want to protect our children, but we must be careful that while in protecting them, we do not also harm them by inadvertently preventing them from gaining essential skills they will need as adults. We won't always be here for them. Chances are when they absolutely need us the most is when we are gone. Teach them now how to deal with that so they do not 'break' when the time comes.

Where is my sign?

    I don't know what you would call it, mid-life crisis, pre-empty nest syndrome or just plain ol' crazy. Whatever you call it, I am not in the best of spirits lately and feeling pretty down on myself.

    It really hit a high yesterday when I heard through the grapevine that my oldest daughter was not coming to me about things that are bothering her. We used to be extremely close. She would talk to me about everything. Not so much now. I see her down in the dumps and try to talk to her and she just tells me she is tired. Uhm, excuse me, I am your mother. I know the difference between when you're tired and when you're depressed, but okay you will talk to me when you are up to it. Or so I thought.

    Last week she was late getting out the door to go to work and I had to stop what I was doing to give her a ride. Yes I was irritated and I explained to her that she needs to watch the clock better. She said she did not realize how late it was and merely stated, "Hence watching the clock  better." Apparently I upset her more that I realized. From what I was told it is partly to do with the fact that, well, I was upset with her in general. The main reason though, is that she is starting to feel the demands of adulthood and the responsibility that goes with it.  She did not come and talk to me about these concerns, she talked to someone else. I cried when I learned this.

    I realize that what is going on is the natural course of our lives as parents. Our children grow up, and need us less and less as they get older. The part I am struggling with is this. My self defining role has always been, "above all else, I am a mother." While I still have my son at home, who is sixteen I realize he really does not come to me much either. I am now seeing myself at a crossroad that I don't think I was emotionally or spiritually ready to come to yet.

    I am pretty certain that my subconscious knew what was coming and has been trying to prepare me. I have been a stay at home mother for about sixteen years. This past year I have been feeling the pull to get back into the work-force. This has been another thorn in my side. I am not  having the easiest time finding a job. Not many people want to even consider someone who has not worked in almost twenty years. I have been called for several interviews but they have not panned out. I personally feel it is my appearance. I Have visible tattoos that I can not cover and I am missing quite a few teeth due to a severe mineral deficiency during my pregnancies. In essence I look like a 50 year old ex-biker meth head.  Of course that is the furthest thing from the truth, but first impressions and all ya know.

    While at this cross-road in my life, where I am changing from being a full time mother to being something else. I came to the conclusion that now it is my husbands time to get my full attention. I am pretty much failing in this department. He gets up and goes to work everyday. He works hard and brings home a paycheck to keep a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the internet which allows me to be able to write and post this today. I can't even remember to do something as simple as take his work shirts out of the dryer so they won't be wrinkled and set up the coffee pot so he has coffee in the morning.
This morning I guess I heard him moving about and realized that I had forgotten to take his shirts out of the dryer and hang them up. It was that point that I asked myself, "Oh shit, did I remember to set the coffee pot up for him?" I came flying out of bed and into the kitchen to witness him heading out the door empty handed (no coffee mug ). I apologized and went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and commenced crying my out out, yet again.

    Naturally my husband was concerned and was late getting out the door. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I explained that I was fine. He asked if there was something he should or could be doing and I assured him that what I was going through had absolutely nothing to do with him. He is perfect.  I explained to him what I just shared with you all. He seems to think that maybe he.we should be doing something different. I explained again that I am otherwise happy. I love my  life, I love him. I just don't know how to deal with this cross-road.

    Mid-life crisis? Pre empty nest syndrome? Plain ol' crazy? Perhaps just a little bit of each. All I want to know is why does my cross-road not have a friggin sign?!

Our Struggle with a Conservative/discriminating School Board

My daughter was sent home her first day for refusing to remove her lip piercings because they were not healed yet. The district seems to discriminate who can and can’t have piercings. As I stood in the hallway this morning waiting to talk to a school official I counted 27 students with facial piercings. 7 of those students spoke face to face with a school official and nothing was said about their piercings, yet my daughter sits at home missing out on her education due to a loosely enforced dress-code rule.
I went to the High School with the NC students article in hand and it seemed to do *some* good at the high school itself. However they want a statement of faith and a mission statement from our church. LOL- hmmm I guess I can type one up myself. “My church” is all around us, it is in our spirit, it is part of who we are. It is not an organized place of worship that has guidelines and by-laws.
The Superintendent’s office however was a whole other ball game. Dr. Couch the Superintendent was eager to point out that similar cases have been over-turned in the State of New Mexico and schools were allowed to adhere to their no piercing policies. I did ask was this on a state level or did anyone take it to federal court. Naturally she was citing district courts and judgement made by district court judges. I was happy to point out that the story I referred her to went to the Federal level and asked if the district really wanted to take it that, far. I also told her I really hoped it did not come to that but that I am just tenacious enough to take it that far. Suddenly she had another meeting she had to get to and rushed me out of the office.
I created a petition to get the code changed on change.org. Please feel free to visit my FB page Tess and read about it. I have made all posts concerning this matter public. I am sure only local signatures count, but please feel free to find the petition link and sign. Every signature generates an e-mail to the superintendent and the school board president. The more e-mails the districts officials get inundated with, the more it will show just how many people believe the banning of body modification is archaic and a violation of personal civil rights as well as religious and spiritual rights.
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UPDATE #1:

Yesterday evening we went to a professional piercer to get Skylar’s retainers put in. Her lips were not healed enough and even the piercing artist could not get them in and sadly her holes started to close and she could not even get her old jewelry back in. Skylar was extremely upset by this. But not to worry folks, this battle is NOT over by a long shot. She may not have her piercings in right now but American Woman Tattoo and Body Piercing has vowed to fix this and will re-pierce her in two weeks after allowing her time to heal fully and when they pierce them they are going to insert the clear jewelry immediately.
Am I pissed? You bet your sweet fanny I am pissed. If the school would not be so closed minded and controlling all the emotional and physical trauma my daughter has gone through in the past 4 days would have never happened. In two weeks she is going to go through the pain of getting pierced again. Yes this is HER choice but the school has forced her decision by causing the need to get re-pierced in the first place.

Here is a pic of Skylar a couple of days before her jewelry came out.

Update #2:
We seem to already be making an impact. The district superintendent had informed the High School that they will start allowing students to wear clear facial jewelry. However at this point they are still making students remove their current jewelry and not allowing them the opportunity to purchase clear jewelry first. Many of you know that facial and other body mods close within a matter of hours even when fully healed. When not healed a new piercing or mod can close within minutes. Lets keep this petition going. I am going to update the letter that goes out to the superintendent to reflect that the schools need to allow time, a grace period so to speak in order to allow students the opportunity to get clear jewelry without the risk of losing their piercing . Again thank you and keep passing this petition on.
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UPDATE #3:

Contacted Mountain View Telegraph this morning and spoke with the editor about the schools policy on piercings. He agrees this is an issue that needs to be addressed and is going to have one of his reporters contact me. Yes it is a small paper but it is our local paper and will get to many locals residents. The local residents are the people that can make the largest impact on this issue. I also found out recently that the Moriarty-Edgewood School Districts dress code policy has not been updated for approximately 10 years
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As I said before, Skylar’s piercings closed when we tried to get the clear jewelry in, so for us, this is not a victory, but it is progress. We will be getting her re-pierced in two weeks with clear jewelry when she has healed. She should not have to go through this and we are hoping to help many other students and parents avoid the same fate that has befallen us.

I will keep you all updated.
In peace and unity,
Tess

Imperfection

Temperance is what I ask for
Patience is what I need
Tolerance
Perseverance
Understanding

How can I help one who is not willing to help themselves
How can I understand if there is no explanation
How can I give my love
If it is not taken
How can I guide
If I have no followers
How can I see if there is no light
How can I listen
If there is no sound

I can not work miracles
Though I may try
I can not be perfect
Though you may want me to be

I am human
I make mistakes
I feel
I hurt
I love

I am an imperfect person
In an imperfect world
Please dont ask me to be perfect

Because I will disappoint us both.

©2009
~Momma Tess~

Parental Responsibility

Sometimes those two words can be the most difficult words to adhere to. As an adult we need to understand that not all children are raised the same and sometimes even if they are raised in a loving and caring home, some kids will still rebel and become less than caring individuals. I think perhaps more times than not however, "bad kids" come from homes that do not teach diversity, compassion and most of all do not show how to love on a daily basis.

My fiance and I both are struggling with the "bad kid" issue. Our children love going to the local park and hanging out but the kids in this town have been anything but welcoming. As a matter of fact the have been downright mean, verbally abusive and sexually explicit. My children's self esteem has taken a nose dive due to the treatment they have received from many of the local teens they have encountered. As much as I hate to admit it I kind of share the same feeling my fiance expressed in his blog (beware those of you that take offense to potty mouths.)

In total frustration,
Momma Tess

Children on Leashes.

    Today is my daughter Sarah's 16th birthday party. Her birthday was actually on Thursday, but who wants to have a party in the middle of the week. This was supposed to be a sleepover weekend with her friends and sadly only one friend was able to come Friday. We even offered to pick children up Friday evening and take them back Sunday afternoon. I don't understand some parents. They would choose to keep a tight leash on their teenagers rather than to offer up trust or understanding. 

   Most parents had no valid reasoning as to why they would not allow their kids to spend the weekend with us, or if they did they were not sharing it. It leaves me wondering if it is something about us as a family and they are too coward to state it and possibly get clarification of some perhaps false image they  have of us. One parent did offer up a reason but in my opinion was rather weak. We live too far out. How is that valid if we are providing the transportation? Another parent drove her daughter out today and will drive all the way back to pick her up this evening. It is a two hour trip to our house from hers and two hours back again. Seems to me to be a wasted day and wasted gas.
  
   We are taking the other child home tomorrow afternoon and could easily give this other child a ride home tomorrow as well, saving her parents time and gas money. We offered this but were told no that they would pick her up. Not wanting to upset my daughter or her friend by possibly causing a rift I let it go (for now). Perhaps I will prod further when they come to pick her up. I just didn't want to cause an issue to where the other parent might decide to take her daughter back home then and there. We all know parents like this, that will punish the child for their own anger towards another parent.

  Well on the bright side Sarah is having a good time with the friends she has here now. I am grateful for this and hope the remainder of the day goes well for her.


Peace and Light~
Momma Tess