Bathtubs Provoke Deep Though.

    I type this as I sit here with dripping wet hair and a partially clothed body. I just got out of the bath and I have no clean clothes to put on. My husband barely has his work clothes. I was rank smelling. I have needed to take a bath for awhile. I have no desire; scratch that... I have no energy to go dig the hair dryer out from under the bathroom cabinet and stand there for 15 minutes while I dry my hair. I do have the desire and therein lies the problem. I want / desire to do many things.  I want to wake up, shower and do  my make-up and feel pretty. I want to go out and get my grocery shopping done. I want to clean this house to the standards not only I enjoy but also that my husband and family enjoys. I want to take the kids to get the things done that they want to do. I just do not have the energy.  I have been under the impression that I am getting sick, catching some kind of bug.

    As I was sitting in the bath thinking on things and what I want to get done and I started crying because I just don't have the energy. I came to the realization that I am not sick. The shocking reality is that I am overwhelmingly depressed. All the signs are there. I was taught many years ago to recognize the signs of my own depression, but things have been so good for us; how could I be depressed?

  So I sat in that hot bath as it became increasingly colder and thought about things. I came to several conclusions that I will lay out for you my readers, most of which are family and friends.
I was so ecstatically happy when I learned we were going to be moving to San Marcos. "I Love San Marcos, I have friends there and close to there. I will feel like the old me again." Yeah right.

    I fucking hate San Marcos. It is not the nice small town I remember. It is an overpopulated tiny piece of land and I fear for my life every time I leave this complex in a vehicle. I fear for my children's life every time they decide to walk to the store for a soda or chips. This town is simply to small to accommodate the overwhelming human population growth it has seen in the past ten years. Sure the town had grown physically some, but not near enough to handle the population. Don't even get me started on the way these absent minded, texting, reading, sleeping college kids drive.

    I have tried going to the grocery store at various times of the day, minus the middle of the night and the ass crack of dawn. It is always busy, people are always rude and completely unaware that there are other people besides them in the store or out on the streets.  Twits, the lot of them.

Yep San Marcos, oh how I hate you.

    I was also excited because of friends. OMG I have friends here and I will get to see them and go do things and not sit at home all day. Again... yeah right. My "friends" apparently could not give a rat's ass that I am back.  No calls and no visits. Before you ask, yes I did contact them and say, "Hey I am back, we should get together sometime when you are free." Apparently they are never free.

    Jess and Bethany, I have been a horrible friend. You guys have been great, tried and true. I sit here on my ass and get sad over the "friends" I never see and all the while two of the greatest friends I ever had sit over there neglected by me. You have my permission to slap the crap out of me the next time you see me.

Yep San Marcos, oh how I hate you.

    I really do want to go back to work. I am sure my husband says, "Uh huh sure you do." Honestly this is a twofold problem. I am scared that I wont be able to cut it. With all the issues I have with my back and hip (and now my shoulder, wtf is up with that anyway) I am concerned that I will be a failure as an employee. Secondly, the my past interviews (and one almost interview - ugh that bitch!!) have really hurt my self esteem. I do not think I am ugly, but with my teeth, I do not feel that employers want to put me customer facing. Let's face it, my smile is a bit off-putting to many people. First impressions are always things like unsanitary, unclean, drug user, etc. I will agree with all of you who say, I have a great smile. I think I do to, I just do not have great teeth. I love to smile. I love to laugh.. just not in front of people I do not know.  So there it is. I am scared to fail and my fear of failing is failure in and of itself.

    I won't even get into the menopause. I have already talked about that.
So there you have it in a big ol' tub of whoa is me self pity pot. I am depressed. I need to get out of this funk. I do not want to take pills for it. I want to overcome it.

    I want to use this last line to thank everyone who sticks with me through this. I know I am not a lot of fun to be around a lot of the time right now. I hope soon I will be back to my usual self.. or new and improved self.

    Chris, I  love you with every fiber of my being, even though I am sure I have not shown it much lately. Please know that you mean the world to me.

    Sarah, Zaine, Dib, and Dalton, I know I am cranky a lot and am not helping you with some things I said I would help you with. I PROMISE to do better. You know I do not make promises lightly.

    Jess and Bethany. I love you guys. You are the best friends anyone could ask for. Y'all have been great. I have been a reclusive twit. I am sorry.  We will hang out soon okay?

The Witch Bottle

I don't know about all you folks but there seems to be a lot of nasty negativity and vindictive people out there lately. It might be time to make your witch bottles

Witch bottles are oddly neglected in today's society, but for centuries they were very popular across rural Europe, especially two or three centuries ago.

Regardless of how pure your intentions are, there will always be someone who resents who you are or what you do, plus let's be honest; magic attracts some pretty odd characters. Due to this, and just how society seems to be in whole these days. you would be smart to lay some strong protection against ill wishers.

The idea of a witch bottle is that it will attract and trap hostile intent by essentially tricking it into believing it has found the intended target-you! This method is almost the same as a voodoo doll, except in reverse. The bottle is a representation of self, therefor must include a physical part of you. In the days of old, this was urine. with which the bottle is half filled. Hair, nail clippings and (even ones own blood was used if the threat was serious). Then you would add items meant to snare and hold the bad intent such as bent nails, straight pins, thorn vine, barbed wire, broken glass, all manner of sticky pokey nasty things. Some modern witches like to add protective herbs such as rosemary and sage.

To make you own Protective Witch Bottle:

You will need-

• A small glass jar with lid
• Sharp, items such as nails, razor blades, bent pins, glass, thorns etc.
• Your own hair, and nail clippings
• Sea salt
• Black sand or dirt from a graveyard because this is consecrated dirt.
• Red string or ribbon
• A black candle

Light the black candle, you will need the wax later on.

Fill the jar approximately halfway with the sharp, items hair and nail clippings.
Add the salt, and sand or dirt which is used for purification, and then, the red string or ribbon.

Next part is very dependent on what you are comfortable with.

You will want to fill the remainder of the jar with your own urine, however if you are not comfortable with this you can add your own hair, and nail clippings (you can also use the hair and nail clippings even if you do choose to use your urine.) If you choose not to use your own urine you can use red wine instead and then spit in it.

Cap the jar very tightly after all items have been placed within and cover the seal with the wax from the black candle.

Next you will need to decide where to hide your Witch's Bottle. If you live in an apartment this can be a challenge. You might choose behind a cabinet, behind the refrigerator, up on top of a cabinet way back in a corner. If you live in house this can be much easier to figure out. You might choose under a doorstep, up in a chimney, behind a cabinet, in a corner in the attic etc. MY preferred hiding place when living in a house is burying it at the furthest corner of the property away from the house but still on my property, that way the negative energy it attracts will never enter my home when seeking me.

Remember, make your bottle 100% you.

Love and Light to you all,
~Tess~

The Formidable Years

     If you are like I used to be, when hearing that phrase, you think of either the terrible twos or those years when our children are coming into their own, molding their own personalities, morals and sense of self. Well guess what! I am not talking about children, quite the opposite. I am talking about us, the grown ups!!!

    The time in our life when our children are making plans of moving out and moving on. The years we are left facing that we are now our own person. We are no longer a needed fixture in our children's lives. We may be menopausal women. We may be men going through that mid life crisis. We may just be parents facing empty nest syndrome. Either way it is a new chapter in our lives and a new road to travel and discover, "Who am I now?"
 
    This is not an easy transition for me.  I'm going through menopause, so I am already a roller coaster of emotions and new quips and quirks that could send me into a frenzy of uncontrollable laughter or a fit of homicidal rage, or even still a river of tears brought on by the Gods only know what, because I sure as hell don't.  Facing the inevitable, I am a parent of adult children who are now off living their own lives. I have done my job. I like to think I have done it well.

    I have the mixed emotions of being ready to have quiet and solitude or feeling needed by children and having them in my life daily. I think about being able to get up and walk to the kitchen in my birthday suit unfettered by the fact that there may be one of my children also heading to the kitchen. Heck even to make crazy spontaneous love to my husband in the middle of the living room floor without worry of recourse from expected interruptions of a child walking into the room.  Then I think about waking up to an empty house, husband at work and children off leading their own lives. What do I do now? Who am I? What am I supposed to do now?

    Yes, these are my formidable years. I am at the trail-head of this new life path and I have no clue where it is going to lead me. I feel like all I can do is hold on tight and enjoy this crazy ride.

Mannequins of the Internet

    Like most of my readers, I use other venues to connect with people; sites such as Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter and a few others. I am most active on Facebook. Many of my friends and family live far away and a social network like this is the best way to keep in touch, share thoughts and ideas, or just be silly. I have also made connections with people I have never met face to face. I have met these people through mutual friends or through conversations on mutually 'liked' interest pages. I do not add people willy nilly just to have a large number under my 'friends' heading. I actually add very few people.

    Most online connections that I have who are not face to face friends or family are from people who sent me a request for friendship. I do not even accept those requests lightly. I will go to their page to see what types of things if any that we have in common. I will see when they created their page. I will look to see what kinds of groups they are in, music they like, movies they watch and if we have any mutual friends. I want to see if there is some common ground.  I then either accept of decline the request. If I accept I take the time to try and get to know the person.

     In the past month or two I have had an unusual amount of people unfriending me. I am not sure why and I am only left to guess or assume the cause. The things I come up with are pretty shallow. One very resounding reason seems to be, mutual friends.  Jane is having a fight with Sylvia so Sylvia unfriends Jane. I was still talking to Jane, I would comment on her posts, or like her pictures. I would also still talk to Sylvia and like her pictures and comment on her posts. Since I am friends with Sylvia, Jane unfriends me even though I had nothing to do with their fight. I said nothing about their fight. I did not even talk to them about their fight. I even chose to stay out of it when I saw them passively aggressively attacking each other all over the internet. Heck that is between them, I have no business sticking my nose where it does not belong.  Perhaps I should have taken sides?

    Of course I am using fake names in the above scenario, but it seems that several times this has been the case. It bothers me, because as I said, I try and take the time to get to know people. To me Facebook is not a business, it is a place where I make friends and communicate with friends and family. I am a real person, with real opinions, real ideas, dreams, and aspirations, but most of all very real feelings.

    I share my feelings about things. This can range anywhere from how I feel about the treatment of our veterans to religion. Or from my opinion on a certain restaurant to my opinion on a story I read on a news website.

    When I share my views/feelings/opinions, I am not trying to convert you to my way of thinking. I am merely sharing my viewpoint, my feelings and my take on any given scenario. I share most of these things very publicly and I love feedback. I love it when people share their own ideas, or feelings, I love discussing varying viewpoints.  Heck I can even be swayed to see things in a whole new light. I am not closed minded. I am not shut off to the idea that I might be missing another angle.

    When someone decides to remove me without so much as a word about it or why, then I left to assume that our connection never meant anything to them. They were simply a number under my "friends" heading and I was simply a number under theirs. They are the walking talking mannequin that I never wanted to have as a connection in the first place. I suppose I should be grateful that they are gone now, but I'm not. I took a vested interest in this person. I took time out of my day to say hello. I took time out of my day to show interest in what they had to say.  I made room for them in my life. So yes it does bother me. Yes I do feel like I really did not matter. You can say, "who cares, they weren't a real friend anyway. You don't need that in your life. You are better off without them." I think you know as well as I do, those words are just a cover-up for what we really feel. Sure we don't need that in our lives but that does not negate the fact we suddenly feel a little or a lot hurt. We feel used to a certain extent, and we are left to wonder. " Seriously, what the heck did I ever do to you?"

    The best way I can try and protect myself is too see these people not as genuine human beings, having a genuine heart, but only as being emotionless, uncaring mannequins of the internet.

Parenting: I did it right and wrong.

    I am sitting here this morning reflecting on so many things, but mostly my life as a mother. In so many ways I feel I have done a great job raising my children but in so many other ways I feel I have failed them miserably. I have four children, but in this article I am referring to my two youngest who are 17 and almost 19.

    I taught them about love, compassion, trust and family bonds. I taught them that no matter what happens in this life, family is important. Your family will always be there for you and you should always be there for them. We may fight and argue at time but when it comes right down to it we are always there for each other. In the process of teaching them this, I would fight their battles at the school with school officials, I would talk to other parents about how their children were treating my children. I did so much for my kids, that in the process, I forgot to teach them to self advocate and how to stick up for themselves and fight their own battles. This is a very important lesson for them to learn. I will not always be around to do this for them. All of my children are now adults or nearing adulthood and I am seeing so many skills they will need as adults and I failed to teach them.

    My children are fearful of doing the things they need such as something as simple as calling and making their own appointments at the dentist or eye doctor.  School was hard for my kids. They were bullied and treated poorly. I really hated the public school system and so did my children.  I caved and let them drop out. Very bad decision on my part. Now I am sitting here watching another woman do the things I should have taught one of my daughters to do or helped her do on her own.  I am feeling like the bad parent. This other woman is going on about how she is going to help my daughter get her GED or high school diploma. This should not bother me as much as it does. I should feel grateful and not seething with jealousy or anger. Part of me is grateful, but the bigger part of me is angry. Perhaps mostly at myself but also at this other woman for doing my job, or more precisely my daughter's job. I have spent the better part of the past two years trying to teach my daughter the things I failed to teach her when she was growing up and that is how to do these things on her own and to self advocate in order to do the things that need to be done. I do understand getting help with some information, but I do not want anyone, not myself, not her father, not her step-father or her step-mother doing it all for her.

    I really do have good children. They have never been trouble makers. They have never sneaked out at night, skipped school to go partying with friends or been in any trouble with the officials. They always check in and let me know where they are or where they are going if they are going somewhere other than where they said they were going. They are kind, compassionate and genuinely care for people and the world around them.  This is another area I excelled in teaching them and at the same time failed. I taught them love and compassion and kindness but in the process forgot to teach them how to be tough and realize that sometimes the world is an ugly place and not everyone is kind and compassionate and that sometimes we have to just turn the other cheek and deal with it. My children are very sensitive, they are easily hurt and very anxious about getting out in the world and living life to it's fullest.

    It's the little things we don't think about that can have the biggest impact. While love and compassion and trust are essential. We need to remember and teach our children some of the harsher lessons in life. It is natural for us to want to protect our children, but we must be careful that while in protecting them, we do not also harm them by inadvertently preventing them from gaining essential skills they will need as adults. We won't always be here for them. Chances are when they absolutely need us the most is when we are gone. Teach them now how to deal with that so they do not 'break' when the time comes.

Escaping the Prison of Fear.

In just under two weeks, I will be making a major move in my life. I am both excited and nervous about this. I left Texas over eleven years ago and thought I would never return even though I would always consider it my home. Texas is a part of me, it is in my blood. I love Texas and leaving it broke my heart. I had to leave though.

I won't get into why I had to leave in this entry but if you would like to read more about that, then follow this link to the blog about that chapter in my life. A Year's Time. It was time to move on to the next chapter. I had no idea what it held but I had to move on. Now the time has come to face my past and my fears and explore the next chapter.

The town, San Marcos, Texas is where it all began for me and it all ended...or so I thought. I am moving back with my new, wonderful and supportive husband and three of my children, (the other one lives in California). I have the courage to do this for several reasons.

First, I have grown and have learned forgiveness. Yes, I forgive the people that caused my family so much pain and anguish. I will never forget, and part of me will always have a hard time trusting anyone new in my life. However, I will continue to give people the benefit of the doubt even though I am secretly cringing in fear on the inside. I can no longer be guided by that fear.

Another reason is because I have a wonderfully supportive network of family and friends that are going to be there as well. My husband will not let me turn into the shell of a woman I became shortly after all hell broke lose. He understands my fear, but he will help me to not live by it's standards. He will help to remind me, I am a strong woman. I am not weak, hateful or evil like some people from my past would like me and others to believe.  I AM a good person and this will shine through as long as I keep my head held high.

The third reason my wonderful friends that are like my brother and sister are moving there as well. They are actually the reason I am moving. They are some of the most supportive people I have ever had the privilege of having in my life. With their support also comes, sometimes harsh honesty that I do not always like to  hear at the time, but is truth none-the-less. Sometimes I need that. I need to hear that I am being selfish, or a coward, or be made aware that I am starting to shut myself in and down. The relationship with these friends have had hard times in the past but due to the hard times I believe we have a much stronger bond. I love them dearly.

You might ask, "Why would you move back there after all that happened. Aren't you scared it will happen again?"  That answer is easy. One, I  am following my friends and my heart. Secondly, a single word: Closure.  Am I afraid, it will happen again? Sure I am, hence the nervousness, but as I said earlier, I refuse to be a prisoner of my own fears ever again.

With all of that said,  I suppose I should get off my butt, and do some more work in preparation for this mighty move to the town where it all started, ended, and is starting again as a new chapter in my life.

~Tess~

Modern Medicine vs Holistic Healing

    A thread on the facebook page that I co-administrate, called Pagan Respect prompted a reply from me that I felt would make a good entry here so that anyone who follows me can see my views on the subject


    I believe that Holistic medicine should be used in conjunction with modern medicine. There are just some things we need modern medicine for. I do believe that there are many ailments that can be treated without big pharma, headaches, body aches, hormonal imbalances, and some forms of depression, to name just a few. When the holistic approach fails, then it is time to go see a medical doctor. Those headaches might be caused by something more sinister.

    Today more and more doctors are recognizing the the benefits of natural treatment such as herbal, yoga, tai-chi and meditation. Find a doctor that is "with the times" and will work with you and your holistic preferences.

    On the non human front. I am a huge fan of animal massage. I have seen it lessen anxiety, joint pain, and aggression in many animals. It also works in conjunction with veterinary medicine for arthritis, and varying forms of dysplasia. Pets that have had to receive surgery for severe hip dysplasia recover much faster when pet massage is incorporated into the healing process.

    I have done pet massage on my pets as well as friends pets before and would love to see more people use pet massage therapy for their pets. ~Tess~

Don't create your own Self Fulfilling Prophecy

I edited this image with the "no" symbol.

I have a friend on Facebook that nearly everything she posts or shares, is like I am looking in a mirror. We seem to see eye to eye on nearly everything. However this morning she posted this image that I edited with the big no symbol because I disagree with it wholeheartedly. I'm not angry with her or anything, she has a right to believe whatever she believes and perhaps she has some extremely negative experiences with this particular subject.

With that said, here are my thoughts on the subject. My husband tells me he loves me everyday. If I asked myself for how long every time he said it I would not be as happy as I am now. I would be more worried about the day he stops loving me rather than enjoying the fact he does love me today. Sometimes shit happens, but we can't dwell on the "what ifs". When it comes to some things you just have to live for today and enjoy it for what it is now, or you will never find true happiness.

I can't even imagine how my life would be if I doubted my husband's love. I joke with him a lot, but I know he loves me with every fiber of his being. If I lived each day wondering how long his love will last, I would be miserable and this would show in my actions and they way I receive his love.

I think the words in the image are a prime example of how self fulfilling prophecy works. if you doubt the love and tell yourself everyday that it won't last you will eventually make the person go away because of your own insecurities and inability to accept it for what it is. We do in fact create our own reality. ~Tess~

Coincidence or Magic?

I had a conversation a while back with someone questioning the term magic. They said, "Witches, light workers, Reiki practitioners, all that, claim magic and spell work. Sounds like a bunch of crap to me. There is no such thing as real magic, only illusion."

I thought on this awhile and my response was, "Energy, the world is full of it, from the tree outside the window, to the stone laying beneath it, to the power-plant up-state, everything is comprised of energy. A man manipulates it and creates a form of destruction such as the atom bomb and it is called science. Another man manipulates it and creates a powerful tool to see within our bodies such as the x-ray and it is called science of medicine. Another man manipulates it and creates change in his life or another persons by making them feel better or getting the house loan they applied for and it's called luck or coincidence. When coincidence becomes habitual it is no longer coincidence.

Spell-Casting vs Prayer

Someone stated once, "casting spells is evil!" I said really? Let me run a few things by you.

When you want or need something you go to your spiritual place, usually a church and light a candle, you kneel, clasp your hands together and ask for something; either change in your life, for someone you love to over come an illness (and you may even place their picture at the prayer altar or podium or whatever you call it, or may just ask for guidance and then you draw the cross across your chest. She said "Yes, basically."

Ok, I go to my spiritual place, be it outside or to a place I created in my home, I light candles and some incense, I may kneel or stand, I raise my hands upward, I ask for change in my life, or for a love one to be healed, I too will place a picture on the altar in such cases, and sometimes I may just feel lost and ask for guidance, I then draw my spiritual symbol in the air.

Tell me my friend, how is my spell-work much different than your prayer? She could not give me a valid answer.

Regardless of your spiritual path, whenever you desire change and you do something be it pagan ritual, spell-casting, or Christian prayer, you are setting energies into motion to achieve the change you desire. ~Tess~

Where is my sign?

    I don't know what you would call it, mid-life crisis, pre-empty nest syndrome or just plain ol' crazy. Whatever you call it, I am not in the best of spirits lately and feeling pretty down on myself.

    It really hit a high yesterday when I heard through the grapevine that my oldest daughter was not coming to me about things that are bothering her. We used to be extremely close. She would talk to me about everything. Not so much now. I see her down in the dumps and try to talk to her and she just tells me she is tired. Uhm, excuse me, I am your mother. I know the difference between when you're tired and when you're depressed, but okay you will talk to me when you are up to it. Or so I thought.

    Last week she was late getting out the door to go to work and I had to stop what I was doing to give her a ride. Yes I was irritated and I explained to her that she needs to watch the clock better. She said she did not realize how late it was and merely stated, "Hence watching the clock  better." Apparently I upset her more that I realized. From what I was told it is partly to do with the fact that, well, I was upset with her in general. The main reason though, is that she is starting to feel the demands of adulthood and the responsibility that goes with it.  She did not come and talk to me about these concerns, she talked to someone else. I cried when I learned this.

    I realize that what is going on is the natural course of our lives as parents. Our children grow up, and need us less and less as they get older. The part I am struggling with is this. My self defining role has always been, "above all else, I am a mother." While I still have my son at home, who is sixteen I realize he really does not come to me much either. I am now seeing myself at a crossroad that I don't think I was emotionally or spiritually ready to come to yet.

    I am pretty certain that my subconscious knew what was coming and has been trying to prepare me. I have been a stay at home mother for about sixteen years. This past year I have been feeling the pull to get back into the work-force. This has been another thorn in my side. I am not  having the easiest time finding a job. Not many people want to even consider someone who has not worked in almost twenty years. I have been called for several interviews but they have not panned out. I personally feel it is my appearance. I Have visible tattoos that I can not cover and I am missing quite a few teeth due to a severe mineral deficiency during my pregnancies. In essence I look like a 50 year old ex-biker meth head.  Of course that is the furthest thing from the truth, but first impressions and all ya know.

    While at this cross-road in my life, where I am changing from being a full time mother to being something else. I came to the conclusion that now it is my husbands time to get my full attention. I am pretty much failing in this department. He gets up and goes to work everyday. He works hard and brings home a paycheck to keep a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs and the internet which allows me to be able to write and post this today. I can't even remember to do something as simple as take his work shirts out of the dryer so they won't be wrinkled and set up the coffee pot so he has coffee in the morning.
This morning I guess I heard him moving about and realized that I had forgotten to take his shirts out of the dryer and hang them up. It was that point that I asked myself, "Oh shit, did I remember to set the coffee pot up for him?" I came flying out of bed and into the kitchen to witness him heading out the door empty handed (no coffee mug ). I apologized and went to the bathroom sat on the toilet and commenced crying my out out, yet again.

    Naturally my husband was concerned and was late getting out the door. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I explained that I was fine. He asked if there was something he should or could be doing and I assured him that what I was going through had absolutely nothing to do with him. He is perfect.  I explained to him what I just shared with you all. He seems to think that maybe he.we should be doing something different. I explained again that I am otherwise happy. I love my  life, I love him. I just don't know how to deal with this cross-road.

    Mid-life crisis? Pre empty nest syndrome? Plain ol' crazy? Perhaps just a little bit of each. All I want to know is why does my cross-road not have a friggin sign?!

You can't have your Equality and Racism too.

We can never expect to have total equality in this nation when actions are always blamed on racial, religious, or sexual motivation.

I am am upset with the GZ verdict just as much as other people are BUT, what I am even more upset with is the race card being thrown out like it is. I don't think this was about race and am pretty fed up with it being turned into a racial issue. We are are fighting for equality in this country for every single person and every time something like this gets turned into a racial issue it sets us back a decade or more. How can we as a nation get past the race debate, if every time a person of color dies or a person of color kills a person not of color "it was racially motivated." The fact that another human used deadly force against an unarmed youth and allowed to walk away is the travesty here, not the fact the youth was black and the shooter was not.

Trayvon Martin could not speak for himself. Everyone involved and everyone following the story could only listen to his shooters words and speculate what went through young Mr. Martin's mind at the time of the attack.

Here is my view and my take on it.

If I am walking down the road and I notice a truck following me for several blocks, I am going to be very nervous, and go into defense mode. If the driver of that truck pulls over, gets out and approaches me I am going to be very on edge and very defensive. If I see the person approaching me is carrying a gun I am not going to wait very long to defend myself. Zimmerman was told by 911 NOT to approach the suspect, he did so anyway, which in my opinion shows a desire for confrontation. That leaves the question, who was defending themselves first.. Trayvon or Zimmerman. I can only go on assumption here since one of the parties is dead. My assumption is that Trayvon feared for his safety and acted in the only way he could with only a bag of skittles in his pocket and no other other weapon. He used his fists when someone he saw as a threat tried to apprehend him and got the upper hand in the situation. Zimmerman then shot him.

I think Zimmerman was a bully with a gun not a racist. The courts made him out to be the victim. The only victim in this situation is a young man who lost his life too soon and the family who will never see him reach adulthood.

That's all I have to say on it. I hope all this racism crap comes to an end soon. Until then I will be playing video games and watching non-news television.


Peace and Love to you all,
~MommaTess~

Myths and Misconceptions - The Truth About Wicca and Paganism

I felt this was a very well done article on the common myths and misconceptions about Wicca and Paganism in general. I shared this article several other places as well. The most important thing to remember folks, is this If you do not understand something then ask questions, don't run away with your tail between your legs!

                                                               

Myths and Misconceptions - The Truth About Wicca and Paganism
By Patti Wigington


Do witches worship the Devil?
No. Satan is a Christian construct, and Wiccans don't worship him. Even the Satanists don't actually worship Satan, but that's a whole 'nother conversation.

You guys have sex orgies, right?
Nope. However, most Pagans and Wiccans are pretty liberal when it comes to sexuality. We don't care who you sleep with, as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult. We don't care if you're straight, gay, transgendered, polyamorous, or anything else. Who you have sex with, and how often, and in what manner is your business. We just hope that whatever you're doing, you do responsibly. There are some Wiccan groups who practice skyclad, or nude, but it is not sexual in nature.

How come you use that Satanic symbol with the star on it?
You mean the pentacle? That's a symbol, for many Wiccans and Pagans, of the four classical elements: earth, air, fire and water, as well as a fifth element of Spirit or Self.

Do Wiccans cast spells?
Yes. In Wicca, and many other Pagan paths, the use of magic is considered perfectly natural. It's not the same as the magic seen in Harry Potter, but for Wiccans, magic is part of the natural world. Some spells take the form of prayers to the gods, and others are based on direction of will and intent. Most Wiccans will tell you they use spellwork for a variety of things -- healing, personal empowerment, prosperity, etc. Magic is a tool that is typically used in tandem with the mundane, or non-magical, world.

What's the difference between a Wiccan and a Pagan?
Nearly all Wiccans are Pagans, but not all Pagans are Wiccans. As if that wasn't puzzling enough, there are some people who are witches, but not Wiccan or Pagan. Confused yet? You're not alone. Bascially, "Pagan" is an umbrella term for a group of different spiritual paths.

Why do people become Wiccans?
The reasons are as varied as the people. Some find themselves drawn to Wicca because of a dissatisfaction with other religions. Others study a variety of religions and then realize that Wicca is the most compatible with what they already believe. A few people who are practicing Wiccans and Pagans today were raised in Pagan families. Regardless, nearly every Wiccan will tell you that they came to Wicca because they knew it was the right path for them.

How do you recruit new Wiccans into your religion?
We don't. Although we'll happily share information with you and answer your questions, we're not interested in 'collecting' new recruits.

Aren't you worried that you're going to go to hell?
Well, no. Much like Satan, the concept of Hell is a Christian one. It's not really even on our radar. However, there are a few people -- typically those who have come to Wicca from a Christian background -- who do worry about this very issue. For the rest of us, we know that the future of our soul does not depend on salvation or acceptance of deity as a savior. Instead, we focus on doing good things, because we know that what we do in this lifetime will echo upon us in the next.

Do you believe in God?
Wiccans and Pagans are typically polytheistic, which means we believe in more than one deity. If you look at "god" as a job title rather than a proper name, we believe in a variety of gods and goddesses, rather than One Single God. Most Pagans and Wiccans acknowledge the existence of thousands of deities, but generally worship or honor only the gods of their own tradition.

Update on our Struggle with the School District.

The story got printed in out local paper. I am glad the word is getting out. The article was neutral and that is good. However they did point out that the majority of teachers at the school do not find tattoos or non-traditional piercing to be distracting. I think that line showed a slight lean in our favor. 

You can read the online article here: Mother Questions High School Dress Code

Our Struggle with a Conservative/discriminating School Board

My daughter was sent home her first day for refusing to remove her lip piercings because they were not healed yet. The district seems to discriminate who can and can’t have piercings. As I stood in the hallway this morning waiting to talk to a school official I counted 27 students with facial piercings. 7 of those students spoke face to face with a school official and nothing was said about their piercings, yet my daughter sits at home missing out on her education due to a loosely enforced dress-code rule.
I went to the High School with the NC students article in hand and it seemed to do *some* good at the high school itself. However they want a statement of faith and a mission statement from our church. LOL- hmmm I guess I can type one up myself. “My church” is all around us, it is in our spirit, it is part of who we are. It is not an organized place of worship that has guidelines and by-laws.
The Superintendent’s office however was a whole other ball game. Dr. Couch the Superintendent was eager to point out that similar cases have been over-turned in the State of New Mexico and schools were allowed to adhere to their no piercing policies. I did ask was this on a state level or did anyone take it to federal court. Naturally she was citing district courts and judgement made by district court judges. I was happy to point out that the story I referred her to went to the Federal level and asked if the district really wanted to take it that, far. I also told her I really hoped it did not come to that but that I am just tenacious enough to take it that far. Suddenly she had another meeting she had to get to and rushed me out of the office.
I created a petition to get the code changed on change.org. Please feel free to visit my FB page Tess and read about it. I have made all posts concerning this matter public. I am sure only local signatures count, but please feel free to find the petition link and sign. Every signature generates an e-mail to the superintendent and the school board president. The more e-mails the districts officials get inundated with, the more it will show just how many people believe the banning of body modification is archaic and a violation of personal civil rights as well as religious and spiritual rights.
_____________________________
UPDATE #1:

Yesterday evening we went to a professional piercer to get Skylar’s retainers put in. Her lips were not healed enough and even the piercing artist could not get them in and sadly her holes started to close and she could not even get her old jewelry back in. Skylar was extremely upset by this. But not to worry folks, this battle is NOT over by a long shot. She may not have her piercings in right now but American Woman Tattoo and Body Piercing has vowed to fix this and will re-pierce her in two weeks after allowing her time to heal fully and when they pierce them they are going to insert the clear jewelry immediately.
Am I pissed? You bet your sweet fanny I am pissed. If the school would not be so closed minded and controlling all the emotional and physical trauma my daughter has gone through in the past 4 days would have never happened. In two weeks she is going to go through the pain of getting pierced again. Yes this is HER choice but the school has forced her decision by causing the need to get re-pierced in the first place.

Here is a pic of Skylar a couple of days before her jewelry came out.

Update #2:
We seem to already be making an impact. The district superintendent had informed the High School that they will start allowing students to wear clear facial jewelry. However at this point they are still making students remove their current jewelry and not allowing them the opportunity to purchase clear jewelry first. Many of you know that facial and other body mods close within a matter of hours even when fully healed. When not healed a new piercing or mod can close within minutes. Lets keep this petition going. I am going to update the letter that goes out to the superintendent to reflect that the schools need to allow time, a grace period so to speak in order to allow students the opportunity to get clear jewelry without the risk of losing their piercing . Again thank you and keep passing this petition on.
_______________________
UPDATE #3:

Contacted Mountain View Telegraph this morning and spoke with the editor about the schools policy on piercings. He agrees this is an issue that needs to be addressed and is going to have one of his reporters contact me. Yes it is a small paper but it is our local paper and will get to many locals residents. The local residents are the people that can make the largest impact on this issue. I also found out recently that the Moriarty-Edgewood School Districts dress code policy has not been updated for approximately 10 years
________________________

As I said before, Skylar’s piercings closed when we tried to get the clear jewelry in, so for us, this is not a victory, but it is progress. We will be getting her re-pierced in two weeks with clear jewelry when she has healed. She should not have to go through this and we are hoping to help many other students and parents avoid the same fate that has befallen us.

I will keep you all updated.
In peace and unity,
Tess

Spirituality, Labels, and What-not

Due to a friends recent status post on Facebook and the conversation that went along with it, I decided to look up the definition of atheist and agnostic.

--Atheism is, in a broad sense, the rejection of belief in the existence of deities. In a narrower sense, atheism is specifically the position that there are no deities. Most inclusively, atheism is simply the absence of belief that any deities exist.--

--Agnosticism is the view that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, but also other religious and metaphysical claims—are unknown or unknowable.--

Within the Agnosticism summary there was also talk about Agnostic Atheism- This seems like a major contradiction of terms. I feel that if anyone calls themselves and agnostic atheist then they are not atheist at all.

The subject has interested me as of late due to my own questioning of weather there is actually an omnipotent being generalized as Deity-God or Goddess. I have been asking myself what label would be attached to me at this juncture in my life and I have yet to find an answer. I will I share the thoughts again that i shared the other day in case your interested and missed it.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about spirituality and deity/higher power lately. I do believe that their are energies in this world that can be manipulated, some call this science, some call it divine intervention, some call it magic and many others call it coincidence when it has the affect that was hoped for. Perhaps we manifest our own destinies, by the power of our own mind. Many times we say, I sure wish I was rich but our own negative thoughts of, 'it will never happen' causes our own self fulfilling prophecy. Regardless of how positive we try to be, those negative thoughts sneak in and destroy the manifestation of positive outcome. I have enough personal proof to know they things can be made to happen by the power of intent. I won't go into this because as I said it is my own personal proof and many analytic thinkers can and would break it down to coincidence. That is fine. I do not mind. I can even understand the rationale, but when coincidence is habitual, perhaps then, it is no longer coincidence.

Is there a God or Goddess figure somewhere watching over us and determining what is right and wrong and what we are allowed to do or not do without repercussion? A huge part of me wants to believe that there is an all loving, compassionate sentient spiritual being that cares what I do and acknowledges that I believe, but I am starting to think 'No'. The only higher power that holds any merit over our action is called personal moral conscience. I believe even most Christians are guided by this even more than their love of God and the idea of obeying His rule.

Does this categorize me as an atheist, an agnostic or one of the many other labels that society attaches to a belief system or lack thereof. Does it really matter? I suppose not, but my own curiosity demands an answer that I may never get.

Please remember comments are always welcomed and encouraged. I also encourage you to share any of my blogs on any other media source if you feel the desire.

A Years Time- A True Story of Persecution and Struggle

What can happen in a year? Perhaps you think a life and the life of an entire family can not change completely in a year’s time. Let me tell you a story and prove how wrong you are.


    David and Jean Long, their children, James, Ray, Nolene, and Nicole led a humble but happy life in a small city in Texas. David and Jean had been married eleven years. He had worked as an animal cruelty investigator for the city for ten of those years. It was a job that he greatly enjoyed and loved. Jean had lived in the city for almost 35 years and loved it in the small town. It was a town that had everything they ever needed for themselves and their children; great schools, wonderful people and shopping nearby. This family considered itself truly blessed. They owned a home with about 2 acres of land on the outskirts of town. It was a safe place for their children to play, they had nice neighbors, and the school was walking distance from their home.
    
    However there was only one thing about this family that was different, they were Wiccan/Pagan. This never seemed to make much of a difference in anything they did in their lives. They did not flaunt it openly nor did they ever disregard any ones right to religious freedom. They even supported their children on their own decisions about what religious path they wanted to choose, allowing them to attend Sunday school and vacation bible school with friends. David and Jean were kind and caring people. Jean enjoyed animal rescue and would take in abandoned creatures of all kinds in hopes of helping them to have happy, healthier lives. David could never tell some one in need ‘NO”. You could see that the children were following in both parents footsteps; helping both people and animals in need. These people, although not rich in material possessions were the wealthiest people alive in love and compassion for each other, humankind and their naturalsurroundings. They were a quiet family. The family never went out much and were known to be people you could always count on when you needed them. They were always willing to help if they were able.
    
    On approximately October 7th 2004, Jean went to David’s place of employment, a place she has volunteered at for almost a year before her husband began working there. She was looking for a new dog; her Rottie had died the year before. The place her husband worked was the local animal shelter. They did not have any Rottweilers at this time; so her husband signed on to the computer and let her look online at a few rescue groups. During this time she asked if she could check her e-mail, he saw no harm in this, as the shelter supervisors had let her and others use the internet on many occasions. She checked her e-mail, told David she was done and prepared to leave. She ran into David’s supervisor and co-workers, said her hellos and left. After Jean departed, David was questioned by his co-workers about two bumper stickers they had just seen on the family van. (“Blessed Be” and “The Earth does not belong to us We belong to the Earth”) David was asked “How long has your wife been a witch?” He simply responded, “I am not going to get into a religious debate.” and proceeded with his day. The next day he was handed a business card of his supervisors with the biblical scripture, “It would have been better to have never known me than to have known me and left” handwritten on the back.
    
    A few days later Jean went back to the animal shelter to look at the dogs again, she found one she liked and asked if she could adopt it. She was told that it was not up for adoption yet, but she could come back Friday just before closing to adopt the dog, it was a sweet black female mixed breed. She agreed to this. Jean eagerly waited for Friday and looked forward to picking up the new addition to her family. Finally Friday came; she went to the animal shelter to adopt her new dog. Her husband was then told that they could not adopt the dog to them at this time due to normal operating procedure. It was the month of October and the shelter had taken a policy a few years prior of not adopting out black and white animals during the month of October due to some cruel practices they had come upon in the past. David and Jean tried to explain, that the shelter employees knew them well enough to know that this was not the case with them. The employees and the supervisor knew the Longs well and knew their devotion to their pets and that the dog would be well taken care of and not abused. However they had to go home without the dog. Approximately two days later some one else was allowed to adopt the dog, going against the policy that was cited to the Longs. When animal shelter staff was asked about this they explained that the Longs had a dog that had been hit by a car not that long ago. David told them it was a fluke accident that could have happened to any one, and had actually happened to a part time employee on approximately the same day as their own dog was hit, and that she had been allowed to adopt again. Staff could not provide any reasonable explanation as to why the dog they wanted had been adopted out to someone else against policy or as to why another employee was allowed to adopt a dog while the Longs were not permitted to do so under similar circumstances. Naturally the Longs were upset by this, but they pursued it no further. Jean got another dog from an outside source and they still have her to this day. Life continued.
    
    On October 26, 2004 David went to work as usual, only to find he was being terminated from employ with the city animal shelter. Official reason cited that he had allowed his wife access to the shelters computers which was in direct violation of city policy. When David stated that she had always been allowed by the current supervisor as well as previous supervisors to use them; the current supervisor denied this fervently, and proceeded to add that Jean was visiting “questionable” sites and named, E-pagan and Witch Vox sites as the sites. Jean never accessed pagan sites while on the shelters computer, she did however check e-mail from E-Pagan and Witch Vox on the day in question. David asked that if pagan sites were questionable, (as religious sites) then all the other sites visited by other employees should also be in question. He informed the dismissal committee about Catholic Sites, other biblical sites, and even a Psychic site that he had witnessed other employees visit. His comment went undocumented. David was a ‘vested’ employee with the city, and all evaluations in the past showed him to be an excellent employee. He always went above and beyond the call of duty. It was a well known fact that he could be depended on to take other employees stand by if they were unable to or had a crisis arise, he would work on his days off when needed. He even won the city’s “Employee of the Month” award at one time. There are certain procedures the city was to follow in an attempt to terminate a vested employee, none of these procedures were followed. David was not given a verbal warning about any misconduct, nor was he given written reprimand or leave without pay, all of which are supposed procedures the city follows.
    
    After all was said and done, David was with out his job. He filed for unemployment in order to support his family while he looked for another suitable job. He was denied his unemployment on grounds that he was terminated for violating company policy. David naturally appealed this decision. During the appeal hearing, the interviewer informed him, that his past employer also stated the use of porn sites on the shelters computer. Both David and Jean were completely shocked at the lengths the city would go to deny this family a means to support itself. The Longs tried to stay in positive spirit. David continued unsuccessfully to find adequate employment, after several interviews and what at first appeared to be a sure thing. (He was told he was the fore runner, all that needed to be done was past employment verification) Interviews even went so far as naming a potential start date. Never to be heard from again. He attempted to contact these potential employers to find out the status of the hiring process and was told they had decided to hire someone else, no further explanation was necessary on their part. Finally David was forced to take a job with a temporary agency that brought in less than half of what the household finances were used to.
    
    The year prior the Longs had taken out a home improvement loan on their home and property. The mortgage was fast becoming 90 days delinquent. They made the heart breaking decision to put the home up for sale in order to pay the note and have money left over to get by on for awhile. They had a potential buyer. The city planning and zoning department after several meetings finally approved the buyers requests to put up town homes, now all that was left was for city counsel to approve it, no one was worried about this, because city counsel had never gone against planning and zoning’s recommendation. Everyone involved was surprised when this did happen. It was only a few days after the decision was made, that the sell of the home fell through, and the Longs were on the brink of being homeless, that it was discovered three of the counsel members that voted should have excused themselves because they had either a vested interest in properties along the street, or they had friends that lived there. The vote had been corrupt. When this was brought to the attention of city authorities it too went undocumented. The Longs were basically forced to sell at an extreme loss just to pay the note and have a few thousand left over to try and start somewhere new.
    
    Before the family was able to pack everything for the move, they began to discover cruel atrocities being inflicted by some cruel person or people. Jean awoke to a sound early one Tuesday morning and went out to investigate; to horror she discovered that her Nolene’s beloved cat had been savagely slaughtered, it’s intestines removed, and hung from their front porch’s banister with a note attached to it stating, "God does not want you here!" Jean quietly took the cat down and wrapped the animal in a blanket, before the children woke up for school. Later that day she contacted authorities and made a report; (police declined to take photos). Later that afternoon she buried the cat.
    
    Several days later Ray came running in the house with another of the families pet cat’s there was an object protruding from the animals abdomen. Jean took the animal into her arms and discovered the object was a bolt from a crossbow. The cat had been shot by a low powered, hand held crossbow. Jean called the authorities and the animal was taken to the animal shelter, not a vet as the animal “cruelty investigators” (the very same people David had worked for), should have immediately done. Jean had to call and demand the animal be properly taken care of. The cat survived after two very tedious surgeries.
    
    The family moved to Northern California, to a desolate area, they had to drive over one hundred miles round trip just to go grocery shopping, take their children to a dentist, and pick up prescriptions, all of life’s everyday occurrences. The people in the area did not seem to care about anything or anyone, not even themselves it sometimes seemed. Their loving, happy children cried a lot, fought amongst themselves and were picked on by neighborhood kids. Jean who had a passionate love for nature and the outdoors stayed cooped up inside their rented home. David no longer had the patience he used to possess, he was angry, short tempered, depressed and resentful.
    
    David did find a job and the Longs thought they were on the way to recovering. In less than a month he was laid off. In such a desolate area he was been unable to find employment, they were having difficulty affording transportation for the over one hundred mile round trips to get to town to apply financial aid and food stamps. The children complained of being hungry, the water was toxic; (tested positive for high levels of manganese and arsenic) it was necessary to have drinking water delivered. Soon they wouldn't be able to have acceptable drinking water due to inability to pay for it. With the first snow will come soon, they were concerned about housing, heat, food and their over all future. This once happy family was scared, depressed and struggling just to survive from one day to the next.


This is how much can change in a years time.


Why?


FEAR.


Someone feared what they did not understand, so told lies and made up stories. This one person’s fear has changed a whole family’s life forever.


Jean questioned everything she has ever believed in.


The Long children had lost anything to believe in.


David still appears not to even believe in himself anymore.


I missed the strong, vibrant, and loving family unit that I once knew. Who am I?


I am Jean Long.


This is a true story, this is MY story.


    Certain details such as names and cities have been changed or omitted to protect the children and innocent parties. David and Jean would have liked to use their real names but decided against it, keeping the children’s best interest in mind. This is a case of discrimination and all of its ugliness and the terrible things it can lead to. This type of discrimination is brought on by nothing more than fear and peoples unwillingness to educate themselves in matters they do not understand. The Long’s religion/faith is a gentle one. Above all else they believe in,” Harm None”, yet they have been harmed and hurt in the most personal way, by attacking their spirit. You may know this family or a family much like them. You may be their friends, or you may be the person who fears them.


If you are the latter; ask yourself: “What am I afraid of?”


End note: David and I are now divorced and I am in a new and wonderful marriage. I have rebuilt my connection with Deity , although it was never really lost. I felt disconnected and frightened. The children are much happier but still have a certain amount of distrust in them. Someday I hope that will abate for them.

Update July 2014: Escaping the Prison of Fear

To read more about how I feel about myself please read my other blog entry " So who is this Momma Tess person anyway? "

©2005
~Momma Tess

Imperfection

Temperance is what I ask for
Patience is what I need
Tolerance
Perseverance
Understanding

How can I help one who is not willing to help themselves
How can I understand if there is no explanation
How can I give my love
If it is not taken
How can I guide
If I have no followers
How can I see if there is no light
How can I listen
If there is no sound

I can not work miracles
Though I may try
I can not be perfect
Though you may want me to be

I am human
I make mistakes
I feel
I hurt
I love

I am an imperfect person
In an imperfect world
Please dont ask me to be perfect

Because I will disappoint us both.

©2009
~Momma Tess~

How does one recover from an aching spirit?
When so much is given.
So little is achknowledged.
You give from the spirit.
Selflessly.
Unconditionally.




All that you ask is not to have that piece of your spirit trampled upon.
How much of ourselves can we give away and still remain intact?
I fear the day I become cold and calloused.
It is not who I am.

How long before I have no more left to give?
Is the spirit infinate?
Does it ever cease to exist?
Can it all be chiselled away slowly, piece by piece?
Does it grow back?
How does one recover from an aching spirit?
Do we ever?

My Windows

My windows are clouded,
My windows are stained,
My windows are shrouded,
My windows are chained.
I peer out my windows, but can not see.
My windows are withholding that view from me.

I wipe and I swipe and try to clear my view,
My windows keep me from peering at you.
I sit and I ponder the dilemma at hand,
Why won't my windows let me see on demand.
I hear a small voice that says, "Back up a pace".
There was the answer staring me in the face.
Eyes are the windows to the soul, they be.
You must step away to truly see.

My eyes are not clouded,
My eyes are not stained,
My eyes are not shrouded,
My eyes are not chained.

I took a step back and could clearly see The only thing blocking my sight was me.

My Windows- Tess © June 2005