Grains of Emotional Sand

There are days like today when the primary emotion I have would cause a river of tears to flow in my house. There isn't any major thing that I am sad about, it is just to many little things like grains of sand that finally amount to an entire sand dune.

I love it out here where we moved for several reasons. It is quiet, peaceful, pretty and there is so much potential. I hate it for many more reasons. I took my children away from some semblance of a social life. Shye-Ann had so many friends back in Rio Rancho, if she got lonely or bored she could take a 10 minute walk and be at a park where nearly everyone liked her and accepted her for who she is. Out here in Moriarty there is no where for her to go close and when we do take her somewhere that she can try and meet people she is treated with rudeness, and is not accepted. She sleeps so much and is now having headaches. She is cranky and that smile that lights up a room is so rare now. My heart breaks for her.

 Sarah has suffered as well. When she got bored she could also go to the park, although she never quite felt as accepted there, it was something she could do to get out of the house and not have to depend on anyone to take her. She would walk to town and browse and window shop or walk over to her friend Kayla or Angel's. Here she is stranded. She too is struggling with making friends and being accepted when she meets people at the local park. Both girls are getting to the point they don't even want to go there anymore because it always turns out disastrous.

Both girls are putting a lot of hope into returning to school. I also am hoping that school will be a way for them to feel less isolated and an opportunity to meet some people who are not as cruel as the children they have met at the local park. I pray that the children at the park are not indicative of what the majority of kids here are like.

Kids aside, there is also me and my own feelings of inadequacy. The recent issues with my health (albeit minor) is proving to be a hindrance to me. I like being active and with my back and leg issue, just standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes causes me discomfort in a short period of time.  I am hoping that the recent tests I had done will prove fruitful and that it is something that can be remedied easily. I do not like the idea of surgery but I am to the point if that is what it takes then freaking cut me open!

The weeds around the house are getting out of control, and I actually want to do something about it, but here again I am limited. We really don't have the tools needed to maintain the property. We really need a riding lawnmower but hell even a push mower or a powerful weed eater would be better than just the rake, and shovel that are our only tools now. So here I am unable to really do anything to clean up outside and make things "pretty".

I love my pets, but they are really starting to bother me too. Damn listen to me, I sound like I am just not happy at all. I really am! I love my family with everything I am, but like I said all these things are nothing major all at once just tiny grains of sand. Anyway. The cat I have had for about 15 years (since he was weaned) is starting to get on my last nerve. He refuses to use a litter box if it has even a grain of kitty litter than has been used. He then decided that anything laying in the floor is a viable place to potty, ( pile of clothes, a blanket that is on the floor, a towel laying on the floor as a bath mat, etc). I Love this cat dearly but he is starting to make my house reek, we had to throw out a great comforter because no matter how many times I washed it, the smell of cat urine will not come out. Then there is Ruby, she has started acting out ever since we got Morigan. She never used to potty in the house or be aggressive. She has turned into a neurotic, stark raving lunatic. She dropped a deuce on the back of the couch for god only knows why, and has gone to the potty on the carpet several times. Morigan cant even walk by without Ruby turning into a rabid bitch. Morigan is not completely house trained yet, this is kind of bearable because she came to us this way and it is something I can work with, a dog going from house trained to NOT is just infuriating. Granted when Morigan has been outside for an hour and come in and craps on the carpet I get pissed. Alley is just hyper and her and Morigan cant seem to NOT play when they are in the house together, which includes high pitched barking, growling bumping into me, tripping me etc. We don't have a fenced yard so I cant just throw the dogs outside to play and hang out all day. I have to put them on the back porch or go out there with them. This gets frustrating as well. More work. Keep the back porch clean of pet dropping or have a houseful of flies.

Lets get onto me feeling completely inadequate in other areas. I love Chris with every fiber of my being and I want to be there for him for everything that I should be. Well I am not there for him 100%.  All the aches and pain I get make me less than amorous when he is feeling the need. I deny him more than I want and possibly more than I should. He is young and in his prime and here lately I feel like a decrepit old woman who is just holding him back. I don't know how to feel better about this. Yes i have talked to him a little but not in depth. I know he will say.. "DAMMIT, you're not old, stop saying that, I Love you and I think you are sexy and beautiful." All I can say is, I sure wish I FELT sexy and beautiful.

Well there in a nutshell, you have my tiny grains of emotional sand. Do with them what you will.